


Untamed

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-28
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:17:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8680219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: »I'm uneducated. (Don't talk if no one asks you to.)I'm unloved. (Never talk about your past.)Unnoticed. (Don't talk to anyone who doesn't want to hear it.)And I'm untamed - I always talked to him.«•••Tarja looked up and right into his blue eyes. She wanted him like the main character of her book wanted the man. But this was different. She couldn't even touch him ...[Drama. Romance. Fanfiction]© 2016 by Rena Holopainen and Linn Barnelius.





	1. Chapter 1

The room was quiet. Only the ticking of the clock was heard, a ticking that echoed in the almost empty room. His room had to be almost empty, nothing dangerous was allowed to be inside. Or anything that could disturb someone - like pictures. There was a couch, a table and two chairs. And a clock. And that was it.  
The man looked at the clock again.  
She was too late. He sighed but then he heard a car. He stood up and walked to the window, looking down to the street. A black haired woman had just left the car and now she was discussing with the driver through the opened car window. The man opened his window, just a bit to hear their discussing ...  
"Go now. I will be waiting here in the car. I promise." The elderly woman said to her daughter, but the young woman didn't go away.  
"Don't make me drag you in there!" The elder woman got out of the car and walked over to the whimpering black haired. She took her arm and together they walked into the office building, the young woman obviously trying to pull away.  
"I don't need this!" She was still raging as they entered the practice "I'm fine! I'm -"  
She went silent as the door to the quiet room opened and her eyes fell on the doctor. He was young, younger than Tarja had expected. And he looked good. He had long, dark hair, a beard and the bluest eyes she had ever seen. So much gentleness laid in them, gentleness and friendliness. Tarja swallowed but didn't complain anymore about her mother dragging her through the waiting room.  
Marjatta came to stop in front of the doctor and finally let go of her daughter's hand.  
"Hi Doctor. I'm so sorry we're late." she apologised.  
"That's no problem at all," he smiled at the two women then looked at the young black haired, who avoided to look into his eyes. "You must be Miss Tarja Turunen. Welcome."  
The young woman avoided his look but she nodded.  
"She's very shy," Tarja's mother said gently and put her hand on her daughter's back. "I'll pick you up in fifty minutes, alright? Alright, Tari?"  
"Alright," Tarja muttered, still not looking at whether her mother nor the doctor.  
"Well then - I'm doctor Tuomas Holopainen," the doctor introduced himself. "Please come in, Tarja."  
Tarja looked at her mother, who nodded at her. "Trust him," Tuomas could hear her whisper.  
Finally Tarja's mother left her alone with Toumas, who guided her into his office.  
"Please, lay down," he gestured at the couch opposite his armchair. "Or take the other chair if you rather sit."  
She still didn't look at him, her eyes were glued to the floor as she walked towards the chair to sit down.  
"So," the doctor started in a friendly tone, which sounded a bit false in Tarja's ears. "Do you know why you're here?" The young woman nodded but still remained silent. "Why?" Tuomas asked carefully, yet Tarja didn't answer. Tuomas sighed softly and noted something on his notepad.  
Session 1 ... She doesn't talk. Something traumatic must have happened to her. She took the chair - she didn't want to lay down.  
Tuomas tried to ask her again. "Before we begin, would you like something to drink?"  
She shook her head. She didn't trust him enough, what if he did something to the water and then -  
No, Tarja didn't want think about what had happened, and she sure as hell didn't want to talk about it.  
Doesn't want to drink anything. Doesn't trust me enough, Tuomas noted before he spoke up again. "Why don't you talk about yourself a little? Your name is Tarja, I know that. What else could be interesting about yourself?"  
Tuomas didn't think of her as a hard case yet. Everyone was shy in the beginning.  
But she still didn't say a word nor look up to him.  
"Okay, I see," Tuomas spoke up after a few seconds of silence. "I can talk about myself first. My name is Tuomas. I'm twenty-eight years old and I live here in Helsinki. I have a dog, a golden retriever named Alva. What about you? Do you have any pets?" He tried and again she shook her head as a response.  
"No pets?" Tuomas asked friendly and Tarja shook her head again. "Siblings?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded.  
"Timo ..." she whispered. "And Toni ..."  
"Are you the eldest?" Tuomas asked.  
"I'm ... the middle child," Tarja mumbled and Tuomas smiled at her.  
"Oh, the sandwich child," he chuckled. "I'm the youngest of three. So tell me, do you study or are you already working?"  
Tarja nodded. "I study ... literature ..."  
"Oh how interesting! I love literature, reading is one of my hobbies," Tuomas smiled. They found a common ground, perfect.  
"I ... I'm trying to write," Tarja said quietly. "It's my hobby, it - it takes my mind off ... from ... stuff." She ended weakly, her eyes being on the floor once again.  
"Would you like to tell me what sort of stuff ...?" Tuomas asked carefully. He felt bad for pushing her to tell, but what else could he do? She had to tell him sooner or later.  
"No." Tarja said and suddenly her voice sounded loud and confident. "You can't do anything anyway. You can't change what happened. Never." She wrapped her arms around herself, as if she tried to shield herself. Tuomas knew that kind of behaviour too well, plus the fact that she was wearing a wide pullover made him suspect that she was or had been self harming.  
"Tarja. I'm here to help you and you're here to get help. You have to be open to change. Don't let what happened ruin you. Tell me what was going on and I can help you."  
Her behaviour and choice of clothing made Tuomas imagine the worse.  
"No." Tarja sulked. "Why would I tell you? I don't know you! Leave me alone, okay? I promised my mother to try this for one session, so don't expect me to come again!"  
Tuomas sighed. This would be a hard nut to crack.  
"Tarja, only one session won't help. You'll have to come here frequently in order for us to make things work out."  
Tarja stared at her fists. "How often exactly does 'frequently' mean?" she asked.  
"At least ten sessions for the beginning," Tuomas explained. "We will start with two sessions in a week, Monday and Thursday. If I see you're making progress, we can decrease the sessions to once a week and if you're feeling fine after ten sessions, I can let you go. If you don't make progress ... I will have to increase the sum of sessions and might also ask you to come thrice a week."  
"Three times a week! You can't make me," Tarja crossed her arms over her chest in anger.  
"As a matter of fact I can, I just have to call your mother and make up a schedule. I'm sorry Tarja, but you need all the help you can get."  
"How do you want to help me if you don't even know what happened?" Tarja replied. She was still sulking and shielding her body with her arms. She didn't seem to want let her arms hang loose, as if she wanted to detain the doctor from grabbing her arms and pushing up her sleeves.  
She didn't want to cooperate, she was impossible. But Tuomas wasn't made to give up.  
"I can help you when you tell me what happened. I won't decrease the sessions until you do. I want you to make progress Tarja."  
"And I want you to leave me alone," Tarja mumbled. "I'm fine ... I don't need help. I don't know why my mother and the doctors think so -"  
Tarja went quiet. Had she said too much?  
'She really isn't scared to argue, that's for sure', Tuomas thought.  
"May I be completely honest with you? You seem to need help. You're quiet except for when you want to argue. You shield yourself as if I was about to attack you any moment. You don't have to be scared here, but you are.. Tarja, please just let me help."  
Tarja sighed. "Okay listen." she said. "I don't need help. Really! I'm fine! I got discharged."  
"Then I have a question. Why does your mother think you need help if you don't? Look, there must be a special reason why you're here.."  
"The ... the doctors didn't think I was ill," Tarja whispered and kneaded her hands. "They didn't know what my mother knew so they let me go ... They thought I just wanted ... attention ... But my mum knows better and she sent me - she sent me here ..." Tuomas was taken by surprise when Tarja suddenly started sobbing. "I can't talk about it!" she shouted.  
"It will get better if you talk about it, trust me," Tuomas said in a gentle tone but Tarja didn't seem to trust him at all.  
But Tarja from now on remained silent. She had already said too much. She wouldn't let this man get close to her, never!  
"Please Tarja. Just cooperate, it will make you feel so much better." Tuomas tried to make her speak again, but she didn't open her mouth.  
Talks when arguing, silent when she reached her limit, he wrote down.  
Tarja kept staring on the floor, not saying a word. Tuomas sighed and continued writing.  
I'll see her in the second session. This might take a while.  
Time passed and not a single word was said until Tarja asked, "So - can I go now ...?"  
"Let's wait until your mother picks you up," Tuomas said. He was afraid that she could do something to herself if he let her go now.  
"Okay then." Tarja crossed her arms over her chest again in frustration. She wanted out of there.  
Tuomas took some more notes and after five more minute, Marjatta was finally there. Tuomas' receptionist Loviisa knocked at the door and announced the arrival of Tarja's mother.  
"See you next Thursday, Tarja!" Tuomas shouted after the young woman.  
'Not if I get what I want,' Tarja thought as she and her mother walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

"But mum, I don't want to go there anymore! He can't help me, I - I can't tell him what happened!" Tarja complained to her mother.  
Marjatta Turunen sighed. "Tari, he's a really good doctor. Doctor Kettonen from recovery home recommended him warmly. Please, Tari, speak to him ... I don't know what to do anymore."  
Tarja took her mothers hands. "I'm fine ... I'm fine mother, really."  
Marjatta turned around her daughter's arms, staring at the scars. Some were older, some were newer. But all of them were deep. Red. Ugly ... So many scars. The one that had almost ended her life was still dark red and thick. Marjatta was afraid her daughter would open those scars.  
"They're old. I won't open them, I promise." Tarja whispered, tears taking away her sight. They had talked about this so often already.  
Marjatta wrapped her arms around her daughter.   
"Oh Tarja, don't cry baby. I know this is hard for you, but you'll have to trust me. Doctor Holopainen will help you through this if you just open up to him and tell him all that happened. He won't use the information he gets against you, he will use it to help you. Trust him like you trust me ..."  
"Okay ..." Tarja whispered. "I believe you. It's just - he's a man. And I'm scared that he could - he could ..." Tarja went quiet and Marjatta pulled her close, hugging her tightly.  
"He won't do a thing," Marjatta whispered and stroke her daughter's hair.  
"I ... I believe you," Tarja mumbled into her mother's shoulder. "But I'm just so scared ... I haven't been close to a man since ..."  
She took a deep breath and Marjatta hugged her tighter.  
"He's a good man," she promised again. "Trust him. And please go to therapy ... Do it for me."  
Tarja only nodded. She'd do anything to make her mother happy after she had hurt her so many times already. "I will go, for you." Tarja promised.  
"I love you, baby," Marjatta whispered and kissed her daughter's forehead. "Remember that. You're loved. Now let's drive."  
Tarja smiled lightly. She was loved, yes. By her family.

The ticking of the clock in Tuomas' office made him go crazy. It was too quiet. He had been writing a few questions for his next patient, he had to figure out what had happened.   
Finally the sound of a car broke the silence; she was here. But she was late again. Tuomas sighed - would she ever be punctual? Only two seconds later she entered his practice, a shy look on her face.  
"Hello, Tarja," Tuomas greeted her.  
"Hi ..." She mumbled and looked down at her feet while she walked into his practice. She didn't want this, but she would try - if not for herself, then for her mother's happiness.  
The young girl sat down on the chair again. She was - again - dressed in a wide grey pullover, she didn't wear any make up and her dark hair was put into a ponytail. She stared at her hands.  
"How are you?" Tuomas asked gently.  
"Fine," she said in a tone which did not convince the therapist. She looked insecure and he could tell she didn't want to be here nor talk to him.  
"Anything new?" Tuomas went on. "How's college?"  
Tarja looked at him and suddenly she remembered her mother's words.  
Trust him the way you trust me ...  
"Fine," she said again. "It's exhausting but I like it ... Takes my mind away from ... stuff."  
Stuff. Again. Tuomas smiled.  
"It's good to hear that you like it. And may I know what sort of stuff you want to forget?"   
He wouldn't give up until she said what it was.  
"Dr ... Holopainen," Tarja said softly. "I understand you have to know but ... this is just so very private ... It hurts thinking about it and I rather not talk about it ..."  
"I understand it can be hard. Think of how much better you'll feel if you take the weight of the secret off your chest when you tell someone. And if I know what's bothering you I can help you deal with it and make it your past."  
"I know but -" Tarja took a deep breath, kneading her hands. "It took me years to tell my mother and you're ... a stranger. And a man. I don't want to sound like a sexist," Tarja laughed dryly, "but I've only gotten hurt by men so far. It might take a while until I can trust you. Even if you're a doctor." 'And hot,' she added in her thoughts and blushed slightly. She had never thought about a man as hot after ...  
"So that's why you're here? A man hurt you? That's what started this behaviour of yours?" Tuomas dared to guess.  
Tarja pressed her lips together. She had said too much again.   
"No ..." she said and shook her head. She was bad at lying and she knew it, but she continued. "No, no man hurt me. Never. What makes you think so?"  
Tuomas could see right through that lie, it was obvious that a man or even more men had done something horrible to her.  
She was afraid of him because he was a man ...  
"Well, you just said you can't trust me because I'm a man and that you've only gotten hurt by men in the past." Tuomas said casually.  
Tarja groaned. "Please don't make me tell you," she said. "Please! It ..." Tarja shielded her body with her arms again. Suddenly she felt very uncomfortable.  
"You are here to tell me, Tarja. I won't use what you say against you, I'll help you deal with your problems so you can be happy." Tuomas' tone was gentle, but Tarja shook her head. She couldn't trust him, they've only met twice!  
He was a man!  
And he was forcing her to do something she didn't want to!  
Tarja was suddenly panicking. She looked around the room, looking for something sharp.  
Nothing.  
She could jump out of the window ...  
"Is something wrong?" Tuomas got worried as she suddenly went silent. Her eyes were looking for something and she was shielding herself more than before; her arms around her stomach, her feet up on the chair. She was having a panic attack, Tuomas knew those kind of stuff.  
"Tarja, you have to breathe. Breathe and count to ten," he said calmly.  
But Tarja was hyperventilating. Her mind was spinning and her limbs were twitching, suddenly she was shaking madly. Tuomas wasn't present in her world anymore, suddenly she was alone, alone in the cold, grey room again.  
Tuomas got a huge shock as Tarja suddenly started breathing fast and heavily and as if she was in pain.  
"Tarja?" he said gently and put his hand on her shoulder. Was she epileptic or was this still the panic that went through her body? "Tarja, calm down ..."  
She could hear his voice but not the words he spoke.   
The grey room was everything she could see, she could only feel the coldness from the floor. She could see the doctors and the pills and the Ritalin and the injections -  
The heavy breathing changed into a scream. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to run, far away from here. Home. She needed her mother.  
"Tarja, Tarja, calm down," Tuomas said and shook her gently. He had seen things like those plenty of times, one of his patients had almost killed him by choking him once. He took the blanket from the couch and wrapped it around her, rubbing her back.  
She continued screaming and Tuomas wrapped his arms around her to stop her from at least shaking.  
Tarja even stopped screaming as he hugged her, but now she was whimpering and asking for her mother, scared because of the doctor's touch.  
Tuomas didn't hesitate. He walked to the phone in the waiting room and after asking Loviisa for Marjatta's number, he dialled it. She picked up immediately.   
"Mrs Turunen, hello. It's Dr Holopainen. Could you come over quickly? Your daughter his having a panic attack."  
Suddenly Tarja went quiet.  
She stopped shaking and whimpering and slowly the grey room vanished, turned into Tuomas' friendly yellow practice.  
The doctor was talking to someone on the phone ...  
"I did that already ... Yes, I wrapped her into a blanket. And I tried to calm her - oh, she has stopped whimpering ..." Tuomas threw a look at Tarja, who was staring at him. "Your mother is on her way," he informed her gently.  
Tarja nodded and wrapped the blanket tighter around her body. The flashbacks hadn't occurred in weeks. She had thought they were over by now. These appointments would be much harder than she had imagined.  
Tuomas sat down on his chair again, looking at her with concern. "What happened?" he asked. "What did you see?"  
Tarja shook her head. "No. I can't go back there. Please don't make me go back there," she was shaking again.  
"Tarja," Tuomas said gently. "Have you been to a recovery home?"  
It was silent for a few seconds, in which Tarja closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  
"Several times," she whispered.  
"And did it get better?" Tuomas asked but Tarja didn't have the time to answer as someone suddenly knocked at the door.   
It was Marjatta, who had waited inside the car and had come upstairs after Tuomas' call immediately.  
Tarja jumped up from the chair and ran over to her mum. The woman hugged her little girl tightly.  
"Mommy ..." Tarja sobbed. "Mommy I don't want this anymore, please ... I can't talk about it ..."  
"Tari, oh Tari," Marjatta whispered. "Talk to him, baby. I promise, he will help you. Trust him like you trust me, please ..."  
Tarja shook her head again.  
"Tarja. He's not like the other men. I promised you and I still mean it."   
Tuomas nodded in agreement.   
"Whatever the other men did to you I'm not going to do that. You know I won't hurt you in any way," he said. "I want to take care of you. Please let me do that."  
Tarja turned away from her mother and looked at Tuomas.  
Looked into his beautiful, gentle blue eyes. They held so much honesty and so much worry. They were warm and gentle and beautiful ... and Tarja felt safe.  
"May my mother stay?" she whispered and Tuomas nodded.  
Marjatta took a seat at the couch while Tarja walked back to her chair.  
"I ... I was 16," she whispered very, very quietly. "My friend and I went out, we had faked IDs and - and we went into a bar back at home, back at my old hometown before we moved here ..."  
She stopped talking, closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing.   
"At the bar there were three guys who seemed to like my friend an me. They bought us drinks, which was already strange, and were really nice in the beginning ..." she took another breath. "I had gone away to the bathroom and when I came back they had bought us a new round of drinks. Back then I didn't know, but now I do. They had put something into my drink ..."  
Tuomas suddenly understood why she hadn't wanted to tell him. He knew what would come.  
"My friend, Saara, left with one of them and left me alone with the other two. Now I know that Saara hadn't kept them from putting something into my drinks ..." She took another deep breath. "She had always wanted me to lose my virginity but I never had been ready. After she had left, the two guys asked me to leave too and suddenly ... suddenly I felt so ... I felt bad. Dizzy and sick. And weak. The drug had started to work and I told them how I felt ... They were really nice ... I thought. They helped me getting out ... The led me to a car, telling me they'd drive me home ..."  
"But they didn't," Tuomas helped her to finish.   
Tarja shook her head. "They didn't. They drove me to some old warehouse out by the port. I had been half asleep on the way there ..." Tears were now running down her cheeks. This was so painful, but she had to go on. She wanted it to be over.   
"We arrived and they helped me walking inside. I told them that this wasn't my home and they laughed at me. Suddenly they started to - they were touching me ... I told them to stop but they didn't listen ..."  
Marjatta was looking at her knees and Tuomas could see how hard it was for her to listen. But it was even harder for Tarja to tell.  
"I couldn't talk anymore after a while, I was so, so weak ... I could only hear how they fought about 'who should go first'. They played rock-paper-scissors and the winner he - he started ..." Tarja's eyes were closed but she went on. "After the first was done, it was the turn of the second guy. I can't remember everything but I think they even recorded it ... But what I do remember is the pain. I still feel it. I still dream about it. And now I'm afraid of men. If they only look at me, if they talk to me ... I - I get a panic attack. Even when a male professor at college comes too close ... or if he asks me to come out ..."  
Tarja took one more deep breath as suddenly the quiet alarm from the timer on the table signalled them the end of the session.  
"Let's drive," Tarja immediately begged and looked at her mother.  
Tuomas was out of words as the two women said goodbye and went outside.  
But Tarja's quiet "See you next Monday, doctor," gave him hope again. Maybe she would open herself to him soon.  
Until then he would think of a solution for this poor woman.


	3. Chapter 3

This time she was smiling as she entered. Not happily but forced, but at least she was smiling.  
"Good afternoon, Tarja," the doctor greeted. "Hello again, Mrs Turunen."  
"Good afternoon, doctor," the women answered and took their seats on the couch and the chair.  
"How have you been? How was your weekend?" Tuomas asked the young girl, who was wearing her usual wide clothes again. Her hair was loose this time though - it was long. It reached until the middle of her back.  
"My weekend has been okay, I guess. Nothing happened, just the usual ..."   
Truth was that he had been waiting for this session to take place. She had missed her doctor's smile and his eyes, even though she'd never admit i - not even to herself.  
"That's great to hear, Tarja, really," Tuomas insisted and nodded. "You deserve having calm and nice weekends. And I'm really sorry now but you have to go on with your story."  
Tarja looked at her mother, who nodded encouraging.  
"I've told you everything already ... what they did and all ..." No, that wasn't true. She had left out the last part. The part that was haunting her the most. "Well, okay then." She stared down at her hands and began to tell her doctor.   
"After they were done with me they left me in the cold room. It had grey walls ... I still see them when I panic ... I heard the car drive away and I was left alone. I had no cellphone and no idea of where I was ..." Her heart started to beat faster and faster and the tears came. She saw it all as she spoke. She relived every single second of that night. It was too much.  
"I was still - still drugged but I could feel how much it hurt ... down there. I was crying and I only waited for death. I prayed to God that he should come and get me. I even prayed to the devil. I just wanted to die ... But I only fell asleep and after some time I woke up. I was - I was sore and my panty was full with dried blood ... I had bled. A lot. And I could remember everything. I wanted to kill myself after this, but just as I wanted to jump, someone saw me. She brought me to the police and I lied ... I told them I got beaten, I was so ashamed ..." Tarja sobbed. "I - I couldn't tell them I got raped. I couldn't tell anyone!"  
Tuomas felt as if he himself would start to cry. He felt so sorry for her.   
"So who knows the real story? Only me and your mother?"   
Tarja nodded. "And Timo," she added.  
"You should've told the police," Tuomas continued. "These guys have to be caught. What if they do it to more women? Tarja, you should tell them when you are ready to."  
"It's too late anyway," Tarja said with a shrug. "It happened five years ago, they could be everywhere."  
Tuomas hadn't known that she was only twenty-one. Poor, poor girl.  
"What about your friend, Saara? Do you still see her? Do you know if they did something to her as well ...?"  
"No, she quit school, some say she was pregnant," Tarja said dryly. "So she had sex with that guy. Or another guy. I was lucky I didn't get pregnant."  
"You were really lucky on that part," Tuomas agreed. "I'm glad you finally told me what happened, but I know there is more to it. Tarja, I've noticed that you are protecting your arms quite often ..."   
He already had a suspicion of why she did so, but he wanted her to tell him.  
"I do, so what?" Tarja was sulking again.  
"Tarja ..." Marjatta mumbled.  
Tarja sighed. "I'm just - I'm scared someone would grab my arms and push me down ..."   
"Tarja," Marjatta said again, quietly. Tarja groaned.  
"Could you maybe show me what you're hiding under your sleeves?" Tuomas asked gently.   
Tarja looked at her mother who nodded.  
Slowly she pulled up her sleeves, very slowly. And what she revealed was horrible.  
Several scars, too many to count. Once thick and deep wounds, now thick and deep scars.  
"Beautiful, aren't they?" Tarja said gently. Alarmed, Tuomas slowly shook his head.  
"Oh Tari ..." Tuomas could hear Marjatta sigh. He was sure she had always cried herself to sleep, knowing that her daughter had done that to herself.   
"Tarja - what made you do this ...?" Tuomas asked.  
Tarja caressed the thickest scar. "First I wanted to die ... I felt ugly and useless but it didn't kill me. After I didn't die I continued because I found them beautiful... And I still do. That one made me be in coma for three days ... I had a huge blood loss but oh well."  
She looked down at her scars and smiled. Tuomas shook his head. He was completely shocked. How could she say they were beautiful? How could she feel ugly? She was beautiful! Her scars weren't. Tuomas didn't know what to say to convince her to stop. She seemed to like doing that to herself. She was proud.  
Marjatta looked deeply sad.  
"And how did it feel?" Tuomas broke the silence. "Tell me about the feeling you had while cutting yourself."  
He knew from his other patients that it had helped them calming down - none of them had wanted to die though.  
"It felt good," Tarja said. "The pain was so satisfying. It made me forget all about the pain I mentally had. All my problems disappeared."  
"No, Tarja, your problems got worse." Tuomas said and Tarja stared at him. "You almost died. You said you were in coma. What happened after you were in coma? Was everything like before?"  
Tarja's eyes wandered to the floor. He was right but she loved to deny ...  
"Well ... no but I didn't want to be like before."   
Truth was that it got even worse.  
"What happened, Tarja?" Tuomas asked quietly. "Remember I'm here to help you ..."  
Tarja's lower lip was quivering. "I ... my classmates started bullying me," she whispered and Tuomas leaned back, looking at the young black haired, who was quietly telling her story. "They didn't see I had problems, they only thought I needed attention ... They laughed about me, made up stories about me, called me fat and ugly, they - they ignored me or hurt me ... Some of them said I should have died ... So of course I went on with cutting myself ..." With a sigh she pulled up one leg of her jeans, revealing more scars.  
Marjatta was quietly sobbing on the couch. She couldn't look, it was all too much for her to think back to when she first found out about the scars.   
"For how long has this been going on?" Tuomas asked calmly even though he was panicking inside. He'd never seen anyone with that many scars.  
"Five years," Tarja said. And it hasn't stopped so far ... Now I did. A week ago. Forever, mother."  
The young girl looked at her mother and suddenly Tuomas could see love in the girl's eyes. She loved her mother dearly and didn't want to hurt her anymore.  
This was something Tuomas could use for Tarja's sake ...  
"How often have you been to the recovery home?" Tuomas now asked.  
"Coutless times it feels like." Tarja shrugged.  
"Four times, Tarja," Marjatta said quietly. "First time after you were in coma ... Since then every year once. Including last time ..."  
"Oh, right," Tarja said.  
"When was the last time?" Tuomas asked and Tarja shuddered.  
"March fifth until April seventeenth."  
"You only came back two weeks ago?" Tuomas asked and after he saw Tarja's nod, he noted it down. "So how can you go to college if you miss so much?"  
Tarja grimaced. "I'm still in my first year."  
"If I may be honest with you I think you should take a break with it. You've missed so much and the stress from doing all the work might make your current mental state even worse." Tuomas suggested.   
"It's no stress for me," Tarja insisted. "I'm the best student, I only get As without studying ... And I love writing. It's my passion ... Sinking into another one's world ... But I missed a lot, that's true."  
Tuomas just wanted to answer, as the alarm of the timer announced them the end of the session once again.  
"Oh, pity," Tuomas said. "I'll see you again, Tarja?"  
Tarja looked at him and nodded. "On Thursday," she promised.  
"Without your mother?" Tuomas asked and Tarja winced.  
"Okay," she whispered and nodded. "Without my mother ..."


	4. Chapter 4

Tarja made herself ready for the upcoming session with her Doctor. She wore her typical oversized pullover and a pair of black jeans. Her hair was in a ponytail again, the tips of her hair were curly this time. She had been at the hairdresser's the day before.  
"Tarja! It's time to go, we'll be late. Again." Marjatta called from downstairs and Tarja ran down. She didn't want to be late for the fourth time.  
"Coming! Coming!" Tarja shouted. It was strange but she couldn't wait to see the doctor again. It felt good talking to a person who didn't cry all the time ... like her mother did.  
In the car Tarja and her mother talked a little.  
"He's really nice," Tarja said. "You were right."  
"I know I was," Marjatta chuckled. "And he's really good looking - right?"  
"I - I don't know," Tarja said with a shrug. "I don't really look at him that way ... you know." 'Liar!' she told herself with a blush.  
"He does look good," Marjatta said again, hoping her daughter would pay at least a little attention to it now ...  
This time Marjatta didn't have to follow her daughter into the practice. They said goodbye in the car and she watched her daughter walk confidently into the building. She smiled, she was so proud of Tarja. Happy that she finally opened up to the doctor and was feeling better. And also hoping she would see what a good man he was ... Maybe she could finally get over her fear of men.

"Hello, Tarja, nice to see you!" Tuomas called and stuffed the last bit of a sandwich into his mouth. "Sorry, I've just had a very short lunch break." He apologised and swallowed. "How are you?"  
Tarja smiled. Yes, she couldn't deny it. He was cute ... and very, very good looking.  
"I'm perfectly fine, thanks." She gave Tuomas a big smile. "I don't know what happened, I haven't been this happy in years."  
"See? Talking about your problems helps a lot. Sit down please, I want you to continue with what happened after your classmates found out after your ... suicide try."  
Tarja sighed.  
She bit her lip as if she was thinking of what happened. She had tried to suppress that time in her life, the bullying and loneliness.   
"Thanks for killing my vibe." She said after her smile had faded. "Well, you know what happened. They said I only wanted attention, that I really didn't have any problem, that I just wanted someone to feel sorry for me.."  
"Tarja ... talk to me. I mean it. Tell me about everything that crosses your mind - how were your days at school? Did the teachers help? Didn't you have any friends? A boyfriend?" Tuomas already knew the answer for his last guess but he needed her to tell him everything.  
"The days were so painful, obviously. I cried myself to sleep. Sometimes I couldn't hold in my tears and had to run to the bathroom to cry. I had a booth that the people at school called 'Tarja's tears.'" She said, her voice filled with anger. "And the teachers," she continued, "they didn't do much. They talked to my parents and tried to talk to the students but of course they didn't listen. Who listens to teachers?"  
"That's true," Tuomas sighed. "So you didn't have someone else besides your parents to talk to?" Tuomas felt so sorry for her. She certainly deserved happiness. He needed to help her ... He really did.  
"Well ... My brother, Timo, he always listened. But I guess it became to much for him to listen to his little sister talk about how she got bullied. He was quite sad when I came to him and said I needed to talk, as if he didn't want it anymore. He did it for my sake ... But still, my brothers and my parents are my only real friends."  
Tuomas felt deep sorrow for her. She was so good! How could she deserve a life like this?  
"And your bullies ... Did they just hurt you verbally? Or did they hurt you physically too?"  
"Just verbally. Which led to me doing physical harm to myself ... so in a way they did both."  
Tarja rolled up her sleeves to look at her scars. That time of her life would always be with her thanks to the scars. She didn't know whether to be happy or sad about it.  
"Oh Tarja," Tuomas sighed quietly and looked at those nasty scars, which told a sad story about her life. Which were so ugly. Which would always be there, no matter what ... She would always have those scars.  
"I like them," Tarja mumbled. "But they remind me of those horrible times ..."  
She had said it again, she liked them. Tuomas couldn't understand why.   
"What is it that makes you like them?" He asked.  
"They make me feel like something special," Tarja said lowly. "Different than the others ..."  
"You are different than the others, no matter what," Tuomas said. "No scars to reflect your inner scars needed."  
"They're a part of me. And will forever be. I have to accept that fact, so I need to think they're beautiful."  
"Do you think you have to think they're beautiful or do you actually think they are?" Tuomas asked. "There's a difference. You are beautiful but that's no reason to think your scars are too."  
Tarja blushed.   
He had called her beautiful ...  
"I don't know what to think anymore. My mind is a mess ..."  
"Think of it as something that happened. Something you can't change. But don't hate yourself for it, you are not the reason for what happened, you are not responsible for everything bad that happened to you. You only thought you needed to punish yourself for being - in your opinion - unworthy. Right?" She nodded quietly and Tuomas went on. "You are not unworthy, okay? You don't need to punish yourself - you have punished youself enough already. Promise me you won't hurt yourself again? Hm?"  
"I've promise my mother so I'll say it once again. I promise you I won't do anything ever again," she promised, but she wasn't sure if she could keep that promise. If something bad would happen she would most definitely do it again.  
"Do you have hobbies?" Tuomas suddenly asked. "Besides writing, I mean. A hobby could easily keep you from cutting as well."  
"Literature is my only hobby. Writing is all I do. I escape the real world and create my own or read others. It actually helps,"  
"I love reading too. Lord of the rings is my favourite book series - yes, I'm a nerd." He chuckled. Why did he even tell her? To make her feel better? But Tarja immediately caught up the subject.  
"Oh, I haven't read that series yet. Harry Potter is my favourite. And also my old Astrid Lindgren books from my childhood."  
"Astrid Lindgren!" Tuomas called. "I adore her. My childhood memories though are the Moomins ... And Donald Duck of course." Tarja laughed. She was beautiful, Tuomas noticed.  
"Yeah, Tove Jansson was a perfect author. I love the Moomins," Tarja smiled.  
"Do you also know the series?" Tuomas asked. "I prefer the books -" suddenly he noticed what they were talking about. "Hey! Did you do that on purpose?"  
"What?" Tarja asked innocently.  
"Smalltalking about books!" Tuomas laughed and Tarja blushed a little. His laugh was ... adorable.  
"You started it," she said shyly.  
"I suppose I did," Tuomas admitted. She was so cute when she talked about what she liked. He could've kept on going with this conversation all session just to see her be happy. "You know what?" Tuomas said and smiled at her. She smiled back. "Let's talk about our similarities another time, preferably after your thenth session. Okay?"  
Tarja still smiled, not even daring to think how cute and handsome he was. "Sure. That's okay. As long as we can pick up this conversation some other time I'll be more than happy," she smiled. "May- maybe you'd like to read some of my work?" Tarja then asked quietly. She'd never let anyone read her stuff before except for her teachers.  
Tuomas stared at her for a few seconds, not believing what he had heard. Tarja's look changed from shy to unsure to embarrassed.  
"You don't have to," she muttered. "It was a stupid idea anyway."  
"What? No!" Tuomas said. "It was a good idea actually." A perfect idea even - he would find out so much about her through her stories. "I was only a little surprised about your offer. I'd love to read a work of yours, what do you write?"  
Tarja's face had now changed from embarrassed to relieved and happy.  
"I write this and that, I have a few poems, short novels. That sort of stuff. And I'd like to write a book one day. This is just the beginning."  
"So which one of your poems could you recommend to me?" Tuomas asked. "I'd like to read one." Tuomas noticed her blush with a smile.  
"I have one called 'Me' it's my favourite. It is pretty dark, because it's about me obviously, but it's still good ..." she told him.  
"I'd love to read it," Tuomas said with a nod. She had no idea how much it would help him to make an analysis about her.  
"I'll bring it with me next time," Tarja promised and absently stroke over the scars. It hurt Tuomas in his heart, a woman so young and beautiful and she wanted to be dead ...  
"So do you have any more questions? I have to say this silence is making me a bit uncomfortable," Tarja spoke up and finally covered her scares with her sleeve.  
"I was only thinking about your scars," Tuomas said. "Sorry, I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable, I promise."  
"It's okay," Tarja said. "Actually I feel better here than at home ... It's so sad there. Everyone stares at me as if I was about to die ... Okay, stupid comparison." Tarja sighed and checked the timer carefully. They had five more minutes ... Somehow this hurt Tarja a little. She had laughed with the doctor. She had laughed with a man, she had had fun with him. She didn't want to leave already ...  
"You could talk with your family. Tell them to smile at you and say good morning. Ask them to treat you no different. I know they'll listen to you and you need to feel happy at your own home." Tuomas looked over at the timer as he saw Tarja doing the same. Only three more minutes. He didn't want this session to stop just yet. He wanted to spend more time with her and bond with her. This had been the most successful session thus far.  
"That's a really good idea, actually," Tarja said slowly. "Thanks a lot, doctor Holopainen. I'll respect it and I'll tell them. I can't see it anymore, really. I'm sick of it ... There's a guy next to me at college, Jarkko, I think. He also looks at me all the time and that's just annoying."  
"If you feel brave enough you can go up to him and kindly tell him to stop, hopefully he will. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable," Tuomas suggested, right before the timer went off.  
"No!" Tarja shouted - she didn't want the session to stop. "I mean - no, I can't talk to him. It's hard for me to sit next to him already ..."  
"Let's talk about him the next time?" Tuomas asked. "I don't want to throw you out of my practice, but I have another patient after you."  
"Yeah sure, okay. So I guess I'll see you on Monday," Tarja said and they both stood up.   
"I'll see you then. And until the next session tell your family how you want them to treat you."  
"Yeah, I will," Tarja said. "And I'll be brave enough to tell Jarkko to fuck off - oops. I won't say that. I don't want him to misunderstand." She sighed. "Thank you for so much, doctor. For listening and stuff ... And for not crying. Really."  
"That's what I'm here for, I'm so happy I'm helping you."   
Tarja didn't hesitate, she hugged him quickly, she just couldn't resist. "Thank you," she said again after she let him go. "I'll see you soon then, I guess your next patient is waiting so I won't keep you any longer."  
After she had left, Tuomas stared at her. She had hugged him ... She wasn't afraid of him anymore.  
"Good," Tuomas mumbled ... and ignored his racing heart.  
And so did Tarja. She couldn't believe she had hugged him ...


	5. Chapter 5

Session five and six had been good. Tarja had brought her poem and Tuomas had promised her to read as fast as possible. She hadn't had the courage to talk with Jarkko immediately but she had dared to tell her parents to stop the sad looks. Now she sat with the handsome doctor again, session seven had just begun ...  
"Welcome back to another session Tarja," Tuomas greeted as he turned on the timer, this time he added a few extra minutes and hoped she wouldn't notice.   
"How have you been since our last session?"  
"Better," Tarja was beaming at him. "I talked to Jarkko ... I can't believe what he said! You won't believe either, doctor." Tarja giggled.  
"Oh so you talked to him. I'm glad," Tuomas smiled. "So tell me, what did he say?"  
"It was ... wow!" Tarja shook her head. "Imagine me turning to him. I was so courageous! I said, 'Okay listen. I don't like your constant look, it creeps me out. Please stop staring at me. Okay?' And he just said ... He said ..." Her eyes got dreamy. "'Sorry but you're so beautiful ...' And I was like 'What?' Then he said with a blush, 'I think you're too beautiful to deserve no attention ...' And then he asked me out!"  
"Wow. That's amazing!!" Tuomas was so happy for her but he also felt sorrow. What if he did something to her? They would have to start all over again.   
"Did you say yes?"  
Tarja blushed. "I said yes!" she whispered. "The sessions with you always made me feel so good and I thought I should finally get over my fear of men ... Since you - since you're so nice ..." Tarja took a deep breath, hoping he didn't think of her blush as something specific. "And I don't think he's like ... you know. He's so different ... He also writes a lot and he says he adores my latest story ... So yeah, we'll go to the cinema next Friday. Not tomorrow, he doesn't have time tomorrow. So I'll be nervous next week all the time. Ugh. I already apologise!"  
"Sounds like fun. You know not all men are like ... you know. It's good that you see that." Tuomas noted something down.  
"Yeah, maybe it's time for me to find a boyfriend. I mean, I'm twenty-one and never had one. So embarrassing."  
"That's not bad," Tuomas answered. He was confused about his feelings - he should feel good for her! Why didn't he?  
"Maybe you're right. I have been waiting for the right one and now it's time to start looking." Tarja shrugged and Tuomas nodded.  
"I can relate to that thought. After all I'm twenty-eight and also have no girlfriend."  
Tarja suddenly had a strange feeling in her stomach. She hadn't thought he was single, after all he was good looking and too nice ... He could have everyone!  
Tarja's heart was fluttering.  
"How do you feel about this date?" Tuomas went on. "Other than nervous? Are you scared? Excited? And do you think you really like him in that way?" He was hoping she'd answer no on the last question. He didn't want her to have a boyfriend yet. Only because she was still afraid of men, he told himself.  
"Hm." Tarja said, trying to listen to her heart. It was fluttering but not because of Jarkko ... "I don't know. I might be a little scared, what if he kisses me? I can't kiss him back. I've never been kissed, not even ..." She took a deep breath. "He will notice I can't kiss and that would be too embarrassing. Besides that - I don't want to kiss him. I don't feel for him. So no - I don't like him in that way ... Not yet."  
"And do you think you ever will? Do you see a future with him or any man at all for that matter?"  
"Why are you asking me so many things about him?" Tarja laughed. "I don't know - see, if he really loves me and if he would never hurt me or force me to do something I don't want to ... Yes, why not? I mean, I could look  for the perfect man forever but what if I already found him?"  
'Right opposite of me - but I can't say that. Gosh but he is perfect ... Sigh ...', she added in her thoughts.  
"I'm only asking because I want you to be perfectly sure about him. And if you find the perfect man then take a chance on him. I'm sure that man will love you back."  
'And if the perfect man is next to me?'  
"I will remember if I find him," Tarja chuckled. "Well, first I have to get over my fear of men. The only man I'm not afraid of so far is sitting opposite of me."  
"And Jarkko of course," Tuomas chucked. "I'm happy that you find me trustworthy. Anyways, let's move on from the topic of men. How's your family treating you after you told them not to be so sad?"  
"They treat me differently," Tarja said and nodded. "They've noticed I'm happier, of course. And they laugh with me and also make jokes about my writing ... finally." Tarja laughed. "They always tried to be not too hurtful when they read something I wrote and they found a mistake ..."  
Tarja stopped laughing and started kneading her hands, looking at the timer. Again she didn't want this to end but they had enough time left ...  
She didn't want to leave him yet.  
Tuomas felt the same. Her laugh made him ... calm. Her smile made him feel as if he finally belonged here. As if he was bound to make her happy ... Tuomas knew he would never give her up, especially not now that they had made so good progress!  
After a few painful seconds of silence Tarja spoke up, "Change of subject, have you already read my poem?" she asked shyly  
"Oh, right!" Tuomas pulled the sheet of paper out of his jeans pocket. "Here. It's very deep and sad ... It sounds like you, actually. Let's talk about it ... You find it hard to trust people, which is logic. Why did you decide to trust me?"  
"Oh I don't know, actually. It was your kind looks and gentle voice I guess. And also the fact that my mother convinced me to trust you," Tarja said. "You're the first person I've been able to trust for a really long time, besides my family."  
Gentle voice ... Kind looks ... Tuomas' heart was beating and he had no idea why.  
"I'm glad you decided to trust me, after all I really want to help you," he said. "But is it people in general or only men?"  
"Well, after Saara just left me alone with two strangers ... people in general," Tarja answered.  
"That's understandable. So you haven't had a friend after Saara?"   
Tarja shook her head. "I don't want to talk about her, please..."  
"I'm sorry, Tarja. What about your family? Do you have cousins or an aunt or uncle or grandparents you have contact with?"  
"I have a cousin I used to do something with but we lost contact. I stopped calling her when I got depressed ..."  
"Then why don't you call her? Ask her to meet!"  
Tarja smiled. "I should ... I really wanna go back to Kitee."  
Tuomas' breath stopped for a moment. "You're from Kitee?"  
"Yes, Puhos, to be specific. I lived there until I started studying and I went to pre-school in Kitee," Tarja said. "Why?"  
"Where you got bullied?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded.  
"Why?" she asked again.  
"Because I was born and raised in Kitee until I started to study - same as you," Tuomas answered.  
"Oh that's why I recognise your accent!" Tarja said happily. "You don't have much of an accent left though, but it's there."  
"I didn't even think of your accent, I admit," Tuomas laughed. "But now I know why it felt like I was at home when I talked to you."  
Tarja blushed. He felt like he was at home with her ...  
Tuomas smiled and Tarja quickly broke the silence,  
"So you're from Kitee, you're the first one I've met from there. Did you like the little town? I know I did."  
"I liked it a lot and just as you I'd like to go back there again." Tuomas laughed. "After all I have an island there ..." Tuomas laughed even more as Tarja's eyes grew wide.  
"You? You have an island in Kiteenjärvi?! Wow, that's, wow. Amazing!" 'He must be quite rich then,' Tarja thought.  
"Well, my family does." Tuomas grimaced. "Usually I don't brag with that fact - no idea why I did now. But if you ever want to visit Kitee let me know, we could go together."  
Tuomas was confused. Why did he tell her they could go together? He wasn't allowed to meet her in private ... He hoped she wouldn't find it too creepy. If she thought he was creepy ...  
'Go together? He really said that?'  
Tarja was shocked. Was he even allowed to meet her outside of the sessions? She wouldn't mind if they did meet though.   
"I'm going back to Kitee in summer, I'll tell you when. I'd love to see your island."  
His heart was racing. "Coming summer?" he asked and when Tarja nodded, he took a piece of paper, writing down his private number.  
"This is my phone number," he said and gave it to her. "Call me if you know when you'll drive and I could play taxi."  
"Really?" Tarja took the piece of paper and put it in her pocket. If she lost it she'd never forgive herself. "That's so kind of you, thanks," she smiled  
"And if there's an emergency -," he continued, "before you do something to yourself, call me. Promised?"  
"Promise, I won't hesitate if that happens," she said and also promised herself that she'd call him.  
"Okay ... So now that we agreed on that - tell me about your expanded family. You said you have a cousin. Is she living in Kitee?"  
"Yes, she is," Tarja answered. "She calls me every year for my birthday and invites me but I've always been at the recovery home ... This year I already have it behind me."  
"She seems nice. So when did you last visit her? I can tell she makes you happy."  
"Years ago. I think she gave me up." Tarja sighed. "She doesn't even know about my state and I'm too afraid to tell her."  
"Oh that's unfortunate ... but I think you should tell her, I'd hate for you two to lose the connection all together."  
"You know what? I'll tell her." Tarja decided. "You also said I should tell Jarkko to fuck off and now I have a date with him. I'll call her tonight, I promise." Tarja smiled. He was doing her good.  
"Good, then tell me how it went in the next session. And also tell me about the date you'll have later," Tuomas said. "Oh and also," he remembered. "Could I read some more of your work? I really loved your poem and I would like to see more."  
"Sure, I could show you the story I wrote last week. The one that's Jarkko's favourite." Tarja chuckled. "It's a love story between a mermaid and a human so it's pretty mainstream. But you know I'm not that into love stories ..."  
"I love to read about mythical creatures, like mermaids and werewolves," Tuomas sounded excited.  
"And hobbits and dwarfs and dragons," Tarja said and laughed. Her eyes were shining. They had so much in common! "Okay, I'll bring it with me, next time. And speaking of Lord of the rings, I started reading it ..."  
"Oh you did, do you like it?" Tuomas was so happy she had taken an interest in his favourite series.  
"I love it!" Tarja said happily as she noticed how happy he was ... Now he was smiling even wider. Tarja's heart was racing in her chest, threatening to jump out.  
"We could have a Lord of the rings discussion when you're done will all the books. Would be fun, don't you think?" Tuomas hadn't admitted it to himself yet, but deep inside he was quite the fanboy.  
"Yeah sure. I'll give you a call once I'm done." Tarja's heart wouldn't stop racing. She had just promised him to call him ... now she had to call him twice. Because of Kitee and of Lord of the rings.   
"Okay, great," Tuomas looked at the timer, his mood suddenly worsening. The time was almost over.  
Only seven minutes left!  
Tarja didn't want this to end. She loved the casual conversations she could have with him, he was so easy to talk to.  
Tuomas didn't understand why he just didn't want this to end! He thought of a way to make her stay longer but he couldn't find a way. He asked her some more questions of her family and his heart broke when the alarm went off.  
Jarkko would see her tomorrow. Tuomas wouldn't. But why did he care?  
"Oh no ... guess it's time for me to go," Tarja didn't even try to hide her sadness. Why did it have to end already? One hour would never be enough anymore.  
"Yeah ... I guess your mother is already waiting," Tuomas said quietly. He didn't want to let her go yet and he had the feeling that she didn't want to go either ... Slowly she stood up, slowly she rolled up her sleeves, slowly she rubbed her hands as if she wanted to say something ...  
"Well, until next week then," Tuomas said gently. "Have fun at college tomorrow."  
"I will, thanks."  
Tuomas opened the door and Tarja slowly walked out.  
She didn't care about college - she just couldn't wait until Monday ...


	6. Chapter 6

Tarja hadn't come late for the last sessions - she had even come too early. While she had been waiting, she had always visited the jewellery store next to the doctor's practice and before the ninth session she had bough a necklace with a small, golden heart. She had bought it for herself because she liked it and she hadn't intended to make the doctor jealous - she hadn't even known that she would. And she didn't notice.  
Tuomas didn't comment on her necklace in the beginning - he did think though that this Jarkko had given it to her before they had even had their first date.  
And now from the beginning ...  
"Miss Turunen? Tuomas is waiting for you in his office," a woman said and Tarja looked up. It was his secretary. Loviisa, that was her name.   
Tarja stood up, thanked the secretary and walked over to Tuomas office. Session nine was about to begin.  
And Tuomas immediately saw the necklace as she entered (she usually didn't wear jewellery) and his heart clenched.  
Why?  
"Hello, Tarja. I can see you're fine, you're smiling," he said.  
"Am I? I didn't even do it on purpose. But you're right, I'm really happy today," she said and sat down in the armchair opposite Tuomas.  
"Don't stop, it makes you even more beautiful," Tuomas said and Tarja blushed. "Why are you happy? Are you looking forward to your date tomorrow?"  
"Yes, in a nervously excited way, I am looking forward to it. I don't know what happened," Tarja's fingers played with her necklace and Tuomas' heart ached.  
"You're in love, maybe," he pointed out, his heart hurting more and more. It was wrong. It shouldn't hurt.  
"I think so ..." Tarja said quietly, didn't think of Jarkko for a single second though. Her mind was all with the handsome doctor ...  
"You deserve to have that feeling. Hope that the man you love loves you back ..." 'But then I hope that man won't take you from me.' Tuomas felt sad, sad that she might not like him in the same way he liked her.  
Tarja noticed how his facial expression dropped and suddenly she felt the urge to hug him again ... Only longer this time.  
She blushed and tried to avoid his look. "I do? Well let's wait until tomorrow ... Maybe he's not the right one." Tarja knew that Jarkko wasn't. Her right one was was unreachable.  
"Yes, let's wait for the first date," Tuomas nodded in agreement. But then where did she get that necklace from? Tuomas was going mad, she must've gotten it from Jarkko, right?  
Tarja was going crazy as well. He looked so disappointed and sad, why did he? Shouldn't he just be happy for her? And even if he said it, why didn't he look happy?  
"How have you been?" Tarja suddenly asked and Tuomas looked at her in surprise. Never had a patient asked him this before.  
"Are we doing reverse therapy today?" he chuckled. "I've been good, just a little stressed, that's all," he said - only parts of it being true. He had left out the part where he was trying to figure out his feelings for his patient, why he was feeling so sad when her love life was going well.  
"Stressed?" Tarja asked gently and leaned forward, making the little heart hang in the air. He couldn't take his eyes off it. "Why? Is Alva alright?"  
Tuomas was surprised - she remembered his dog? He had only mentioned her once, in the very first session!  
"Oh Alva - yeah she's all good, nothing to worry about."  
Tarja leaned back again. He obviously didn't want to talk about why he was stressed ... Why would he? It was none of her business ...  
Tarja caught herself wishing it would be her business and felt ashamed. The doctor would never feel for her in the complicated and embarrassing way she felt for him.  
"That's a nice necklace by the way," Tuomas said after she went silent.  
"The necklace?" Tarja said surprised. "Thanks ... I just bought it in the jewellery store downstairs."  
Tuomas suddenly felt too relieved to hide it. His face lit up and he smiled broadly. Tarja stared at him in confusion.  
"It's really beautiful, it suits you very well," he said smiling. Gosh how relived he was, while she still looked at him as if he was an alien.  
"Did you think I got it from Jarkko?" she suddenly asked and Tuomas laughed shortly.  
"I did, actually, and I thought that it was maybe a little too early ..."  
"I wouldn't have accepted the gift," Tarja said softly and blushed. "I've never gotten something affectionate from a guy before ... Why should I? So yeah. I wouldn't accept any gift before the ... I don't know - proposal?"  
Tuomas laughed. It was so easy talking to her ... She was so natural.  
"Good thinking," Tuomas chucked.   
"So what have you been doing since our last session? Sorry to ruin the mood, but you know, standard question."  
"I've been reading and writing," Tarja answered. "As always, to be honest. Besides going to college, I mean. Oh, and Aleksa, my cousin, and I are going to meet soon. I didn't tell her everything yet but I called her and asked her to meet and after she had asked me why I never called her, I told her I was depressed. What have you been doing?" Tarja couldn't hold back the question.  
"You called her, that's splendid. And what have I been doing? Well I've been working and spending some time with my dog, the usual," he answered with a smile. He liked that she was beginning to take an interest in his life.  
Tarja had to hold back a relieved smile. He was still single! But why was he stressed? Was he in love? With whom - Loviisa ...? 'Oh god, please not.'  
"Have you ... Have you read my story?" she asked shyly.  
"Ah, yes I have. It's wonderful! Your writing really makes the reader feel as if he was there. You got some talent I have to say."  
Tarja blushed slightly. "Thank you doctor, it means a lot."  
"You can always ask me to read them, I need readers," Tarja said. "And my ideas, they are countless."  
Tuomas smiled. She was so cute ... Her eyes were shining.  
"What more do you want me to read? I really love your work and would love to read all of it," he smiled at her. She looked so happy when he talked about how much he had liked her work. It made her feel special somehow.  
"I have this other story," she said, "it's also fantasy - and I admit it got inspired by Lord of the rings. It's with elves and fairies and a princess and war ... You'll like it."  
Tuomas became like a little child when he heard the description. "It's right up my alley! It sounds amazing, and with your writing I know it will be my new favourite."  
"Oh, haha! Well then I'll bring it next Monday!" Tarja beamed and so did Tuomas. His heart was beating crazily and though he would never admit it, he hated that he had to do this. He had to tell her she was ready to move on. Without him.  
"So Tarja ..." he swallowed. "I've been thinking. Your next scheduled session will be the last for this week. Then after that one I'll only get to see you once a week."   
It felt like Tarja's whole world went under. The sessions with Tuomas was the highlights of her weeks.   
"Oh ... okay ..." she only said.   
"I decided to do this because you seem to be doing better. You look happier and your life is going good, you can soon do it without my help."  
She felt as if her heart had stopped beating. As if the world had stopped moving. She suddenly felt ... Only sad.  
"Okay ... Okay, no problem. I'm better. I am. So okay." She tried to smile.  
"I'm happy that you are. You deserve to be happy. And you've made such progress since I saw you the first time," Tuomas smiled, but it didn't feel real. Sure he was happy with her progress, but that meant that he wouldn't see her as much as he did now anymore ...  
"Okay then I'll only see you once ... a week" Tarja said weakly. "When? Thursday?"  
"Thursdays would be better, yes," Tuomas answered and tried as well to smile. They both failed.  
"So, now that I've informed you about that, let's move on."   
He wanted to light up the mood a little, but he couldn't think of anything to talk about. After what he had informed the mood wouldn't be the same.  
"Hm," Tarja said quietly. Her mood had sunken rapidly. "Well ... I guess once a week is better than nothing, hm?"  
She smiled. She didn't even care that he could sense that she didn't want to leave him.  
"You're right, this is for the better. And please promise me that you won't do anything stupid to increase the sessions again."  
He could sense her sadness and felt the urge to say it.  
"Why would I try to increase the sessions?" Tarja asked with a sad smile but then she sighed. "Would you mind if I did?"  
"I would mind because I care about you and I don't want you to be hurt," Tuomas answered and Tarja whispered a soft "I'll miss you ..."  
The unspoken words were floating around the air but no one dared to catch them.  
"We will still see each other once a week," Tuomas said. "Until you feel good enough to stop the sessions."  
Tarja had never thought that far. The sessions would stop. Forever. Would she even see Tuomas again after that happened?   
"Okay, so I'll see you every Thursday until I feel good enough, good ... I guess ..." she wanted to cry, this session decrease would only make her feel sad, it would be worse again. She was sure of it.  
Tuomas of course noticed how her mood had dropped. Could it be because she liked him too much to decrease the amount of their sessions? Or end them at all?  
Tuomas was confused - after all he felt the same about it ...  
"Don't be sad, Tarja. Remember the date you have tomorrow. You will love it, I'm sure of it," Tuomas forced himself to smile.  
Tarja nodded, not telling him that she didn't even want to have this date anymore. She didn't want to be with Jarkko, she didn't even want to try. She wanted to be with ...  
Tarja suddenly remembered that she had Tuomas' number ... What if ... what if she called him? When their sessions were over? Pretending she had cut herself and that she needed him?  
She'd call him.  
"So go out and have fun! You deserve it. And if you feel uncomfortable on the date you can call me, you can always call."   
He wanted her to, he didn't feel good about this date, he had a feeling something would happen.  
Tarja's heart was racing. He sounded as if he wanted her to call ... and he had thought of it in the same moment as her.  
"I will remember," she said gently, suddenly feeling as if she needed to show him how she felt. But how? "You're too kind ... I'm so thankful for everything you did for me," she said and looked down at the floor. She had never told anyone about her feelings ... Especially a man about deeper feelings she had for him. This was new.  
"There's no need to thank me. It's my pleasure to have helped you. I'm so proud that you're taking this step with the date, when I first met you I thought you'd never talk this step so soon."  
"Well you're a good doctor," Tarja answered. "Amazing, even ..." She blushed madly. "I'm happy my nurses recommended you."  
"Speaking of nurses, you never told me about the time at the recovery home," Tuomas suddenly said.  
"Oh ... what's to tell," Tarja thought long and hard, the times at the home weren't really memorable, just boring ... and disturbing.  
"Tell me about what you were doing there, did it help you get better?" Tuomas asked.  
"Not really," Tarja said. "It was so boring, I sometimes thought of cutting my wrists only to escape from there. You know ..." She took a deep breath. She hadn't told him yet - and she trusted him. "First time I tried to kill myself I almost succeeded ... I was in coma for three days, I think my mother already mentioned that, and when I woke up, Timo was there. He told me what I had done was stupid and how much it would have hurt my mother ... I wasn't done yet, though. First time at he recovery home I tried to hang myself ..."  
Tuomas could only listen. He was speechless. Why would she do that to herself and her loved ones? He felt like crying, that poor girl had been through so much. And the thought of loosing her got to him as if he had known her all his life.  
"I ... I took the cable of the vacuum cleaner," she continued. "It hurt and choked me but it didn't kill me ... After that I had to stay for six months. That's why I had to repeat my first college year. Timo never knew about this, he would have made a steak out of me." Tarja laughed. "Sorry, my humour is horrible."  
"Your humour is fine, at least you can laugh," Tuomas said gently. "Go on, please. Why did you still want to die? Only because you got raped? It happened one time and you still wanted to die three years after it? Tell me, did something else happen?"  
Tarja's lip was quivering.  
"Well ... I- I got diagnosed with schizophrenia before I came to the recovery home ... I heard voices, telling me I wasn't worth. That I shouldn't live. Sometimes they were the voices of my bullies from middle school. I couldn't stand it," Tarja bit her lips. She hadn't heard the voices in a while, she didn't want them to come back. The anxiety was the worst thing she had ever experienced.   
"I didn't want to live with it anymore so that's why I did what I did."  
"Oh, Tarja ..."  
This was all he got out. He felt so, so sorry for her. How could a single woman bear all that stuff? How was it possible that she had so much bad luck? Did fate hate her?  
"Yeah ... I've been taking Abilify. It's slowly getting better, soon I can stop taking it ..." She smiled. Thanks to him - but she didn't say it.  
"Oh thank lord, I wouldn't want you to live like that. I've had other patients with schizophrenia and it's something I wouldn't want even my worse enemy to have," he chucked nervously.  
"You know, it was strange. I've only heard those voices when I cut myself. The voices told me I was doing the right thing. That's why I continued." She smiled weakly. "I've never told anyone before ... Besides the doctor who prescribed Abilify to me."  
"Your mother, does she know?"   
Tarja nodded. "And her. She knows everything as well of course, she's the first one I tell."  
"And -" Tuomas started, as the alarm went off. "Oh. I guess I have to let you go again." He again didn't sound happy about that and quickly took a note to remember where they had stopped last time. "Hey - I wish you loads of fun tomorrow. And see you on Monday."  
"Thanks, I'll try my best to have fun. See you." Tarja said quickly and after they hugged, Tarja was out the door.  
Tuomas let out a little sigh. She had left so fast ... But she had hugged him again. It was too complicated ... He couldn't feel for her. She was a patient, a pretty ill one also. He couldn't ...  
But he did.


	7. Chapter 7

Her smile. Her laugh. Her eyes.  
Her voice ...  
Tuomas closed his eyes and only thought of her.  
Her lips ...  
So kissable ... Tuomas hoped that Jarkko wouldn't kiss her.  
He was so in love with the young woman ... It almost hurt.

Meanwhile Tarja prepared herself for the date she was about to have.  
She put on a cute rosy dress (she hadn't worn dresses in ages), styled her hair and put on some makeup. She checked herself in the mirror and smiled. 'Looking good!' she thought to herself before stepping out the door.  
She had totally forgotten to cover her arms - she usually always did. But then she thought that, if Jarkko loved her, he should accept her the way she was. And there he was, waiting in the car ... Waving. Tarja's heart started beating and almost stopped when she caught herself wishing it was the handsome doctor ...  
"Hi," Tarja said as she opened the door. And even before she had the time to sit down Jarkko said loudly, "Wow! You look really amazing!"   
Tarja blushed and closed the car door. "Thanks."  
Tarja fiddled with her dress as she noticed that Jarkko was giving her looks all the time.  
"Could you pay attention to the street?" she barked and Jarkko laughed. "That's the Tarja I know. I was just wondering ... What you have on your arms ..."  
"Oh - my cat is a little beast," Tarja chuckled.  
She didn't dear to tell the truth, he was basically a stranger compared to what the doctor was for her.   
Jarkko didn't believe her cat story though, the marks were only on her wrists and both of them. And a cat wouldn't make that damage on a wrist.  
He didn't comment on the story though, he respected and liked the girl next to him - even loved her. He had gotten used to her mysteriousness already, and right now he was only happy that she had agreed to go to the cinema with him.  
"Oh, I know that. My cat is also a little devil," he said and smiled. She'd tell him sooner or later, he was sure about that.  
The car ride was mostly silent, neither of them had much to say. As they arrived at the cinema they chose to watch a drama. Tarja secretly loved drama, when she wasn't involved of course. Jarkko paid for the tickets and big popcorn.  
As soon as the ads started to show on screen, Jarkko dared to take her hand. His heart was doing somersaults as their hands touched and he hoped she was feeling the same.  
But she wasn't.  
She didn't pull back but she wished it could be Tuomas holding her hand ...  
She only looked at the screen and didn't think too much of their entwined hands. Jarkko was a nice guy, he really was, but Tarja couldn't return his feeling. She only saw him as a friend. The doctor, on the other hand, with him she sometimes daydreamed of a future. They were more than therapist and patient.  
Jarkko couldn't take his eyes off her beauty. He had fallen in love with her the first time he had seen her, and then they had read a story of her in their course. Since then he adored her. She was a goddess, her outside as well as her inside. But those scars - what was wrong with her? He had already noticed she was different - not cold like most Finns. More unsure and shy. She sometimes looked as if she was suffering. She should be happy! Jarkko wanted to make her happy.  
The movie started and Tarja still hadn't looked at Jarkko a single time since they entered the film salon. She felt that she'd be disappointed that Tuomas wasn't next to her. She felt so pathetic.  
As the movie started, Jarkko put his hand away from hers and wrapped his arm around her shoulders instead. Tarja leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. Maybe she should just fall for him ... But Dr Holopainen wouldn't leave her mind.  
Jarkko, Tuomas. Tuomas, Jarkko. Tarja had never believed she'd ever had to decide between two men.  
She couldn't focus on the movie. She was in her own place, making comparisons between the two. Tuomas won very round. He had helped her so much during the last months, she felt a special kind of connection to him, and always would.  
After the movie, Jarkko asked her if she wanted to have a coffee and Tarja agreed. She was a coffee junkie and couldn't say no to a donated coffee. They went to a cafe close to the cinema, and Jarkko took her hand again as they sat down. "Did you like the movie?" he asked gently.  
"Yes, I quite enjoyed it," she said, though she have no idea what really happened.   
Tarja ordered a latte and Jarkko just normal black coffee.  
He caressed her hand. "You're so beautiful," he said. "I couldn't really concentrate on the movie, you're far more interesting."  
Tarja blushed. "Why - thank you ..."  
She hadn't even noticed that he had looked at her at the cinema. Now he was quiet and looked into her eyes. She tried her best not to look away. She didn't find it as comfortable as when Tuomas looked her in the eyes ... Tuomas, Tuomas, Tuomas. She couldn't stop thinking about him and compare him to Jarkko. It wasn't fair. She wanted to stop.  
"I'd like to meet you again," he said and smiled shyly. "You don't talk much but I know that silent waters are deep ... That's why I want to see you again. You're very interesting, Tarja, and I -" he blushed softly, "I like you a lot, you know ..."  
Tarja didn't know what to answer. How to friend-zone someone in a nice way? Nah, she'd wait. She needed more dates to figure out if it was him or Tuomas whom she wanted.   
"I'd like to see you again too. You're a really nice guy, Jarkko." She laid her hand on his.  
Jarkko's heart was beating madly. Should he kiss her now? Would she like that? What if she got creeped out? She was so beautiful ...  
"Jarkko? Are you okay?"  
He lightly shook his head to snap out of his thoughts.   
"I'm fine," he replied. "Perfectly fine. I'm here with you, I'm more than fine."  
"Aww," Tarja chuckled and squeezed his hand. "You're really nice, Jarkko ..." 'But I'm in love with Tuomas. I know I am. He saved me, he brought me back. I only trust him ...'  
Jarkko smiled. Did she like him back? He could only hope.   
"I'm so happy you agreed on this date, I've had a lovely time with you."  
"Same here ..." Tarja smiled. Maybe she should give him a chance. He was a nice guy and Tuomas would never love her anyway. She got sad as she told herself he'd never love her.  
They sat in the cafe and talked for about an hour before it was time for Tarja to go home. Jarkko hugged her goodbye outside of her door and didn't drive away until she was home and safe.   
He really cared for her. Tarja smiled at the thought of him now. He had been so sweet all evening. He hadn't asked her about her scars, even though she knew he didn't believe her. She saw how much he liked her ...  
She felt guilty. She needed to break his heart ... If Tuomas loved her back. If ... Tarja was sure he didn't.  
Tarja laid awake most of the night and thought about Jarkko and Tuomas. She felt quite bad that she saw Jarkko as her second choice. She thought of this for hours until she eventually fell asleep. 

In another part of Helsinki Tuomas was still lying awake. He thought of Tarja and how her date had been going. She hadn't called, so he knew nothing had gone wrong. He felt sad, if Jarkko took her from him he don't know what he would do.  
Only a second after feeling sad, he felt guilty. He had almost wished that Jarkko would have tried to kiss or touch her, that would have meant he could see Tarja longer ...  
"I have to tell her," Tuomas decided and Alva let out a soft and agreeing "Woof".  
But he knew he had to wait for the right moment ...


	8. Chapter 8

She looked radiant. And her smile. His heart stopped.  
"Hello, Tarja," he said, his voice sounding strange to himself. So foreign. She smiled at him. "How are you?" he asked, his heart beating.  
"I'm splendid! Last Friday night was really fun. Jarkko is really a nice guy."   
Tarja smiled.   
Tuomas felt as if she crushed his heart on purpose, even though she wasn't aware of his feeling for her.   
"That's good to hear," he tried to return her smile the best he could.  
"You should have fun. What did you do?"  
"We went to the cinema first and then went to a café ... We talked and stuff. He held my hand all the time but he didn't try to kiss me ..."  
Tuomas smiled. "You look as if you were in love."  
Tarja returned his look and nodded softly. "I think I am ..."  
Tuomas couldn't feel his heart anymore. He was sure it had been broken too many times so it had died. The woman he had deep feelings for didn't feel the same for him, but for another man.   
"You are, are you? That's lovely news. Does he make you happy?"  
Tarja looked at him sadly - the man she loved with her whole heart but who probably thought she was too disturbed for him. Or too young. Or something else ... It hurt her so madly.  
"I don't know," she said. 'No' would have been the actual word - no, the man she loved didn't make her happy at all.  
"You're in doubt," Tuomas noticed that she looked unsure. He got his hopes up. Maybe Jarkko wasn't the man she loved after all? Then who?  
"Tell me, why don't you know?"  
"Because he doesn't know about my past and I don't know if I can trust him with that," Tarja said and then she decided to be courageous. "And ... he's too young. I need someone I can trust with personal AND financial stuff. May sound stupid now but ... I decided to have a future." Tarja straightened he back. 'Be proud!'  
Tuomas could feel his heart again. She didn't see a future with Jarkko. She wanted someone older. Someone like him, perhaps!  
"That's a good decision. You should think of the future. But also what you want now, there's a lot of time left to the future you're thinking of."  
"True. I'm only 21 after all. Well - I'm getting 22 in four months." She smiled at him, tried to tell him that she was old enough for him! "When is your birthday by the way?" she added in a cute voice.  
"The 25th December, so I'll still feel young for a few more months," Tuomas chuckled. "If one consider 28 young."  
"Ohh, you were a Christmas present!" Tarja giggled and Tuomas blushed beneath his beard. "Did you wear a little bow? Oh, you must have looked cute." 'As you do now ...'  
"What I've seen on my childhood pictures shows that I was quite cute, I have to admit. And I was also blonde for a long time," he somehow felt comfortable telling her this. He haven't told most of his friends about his childhood and his obsession with Donald Duck, but she knew all of it already.  
"Aww!" Tarja made. "I was blonde as well ... Dark blonde." 'We'd make beautiful babies ...' "And when did you know you wanted to be a psychiatrist?"  
Tuomas loved the questions she asked, it showed that she wanted to know him more.. maybe she could love him then.   
"In my teens I know I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I've always been fascinated by the human mind and I knew I wanted to work with all kinds of different people with different minds. If you understand what I mean."  
"Oh yes, yes I understand!" Tarja said and nodded. "And - eh - are you still happy with your job?" 'Cause I'm happy you're here ... That you are my doctor ... Gosh, I love you ...'  
She started kneading her hands.  
"I'm really happy. I got my dream job. I love helping people. Like it did with you, seeing you make progress makes me so happy."   
He looked down at her hands. Was she nervous? Well she was definitely hiding something, that's for sure.  
"Tarja? Are you alright?"  
"Hm ...? Oh, yes I am. I'm ..." Tarja took a breath. "I'm sad, actually. See, I finally found someone I can trust ... And then he told me he can't treat me anymore because I'm -" she laughed. "I'm happy ..."  
"Happy, why did he - wait a minute ..." She talked about him. She found him. He was the man she wanted the future with. He didn't imagine this, right? She must've meant him.   
"What do you mean by that ...?" He had to make sure it really was about him. I would hate to make a fool of himself.  
"I'm - I'm ..." Tarja started sobbing. "I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm healthy ... I've always had anxiety attacks, and - I - I think it's getting worse once I'm healthy ... Okay, that makes no sense." Tarja laughed helplessly.  
"No it doesn't," Tuomas laughed shortly. Poor girl, she didn't know what she was saying.   
"You know that if you feel healthy and then something happens you can always call me and we can set up a sessions to talk about all that happened. Does that sound good for you?"   
Tarja sobbed but nodded.  
"I'm so sorry. So sorry." she sobbed and laughed again. "I'm so pathetic. Sorry." She was sure he wouldn't let her go so early now ...  
"There's no need to be sorry. Please tell me what happened. What is it you want to tell me? I won't let you go until I know what that was about."  
"I wanted to tell you something?" Tarja sniffed and smiled shyly. "Can't remember what ... Maybe that you're like a friend to me?" 'And so much more ...'  
"Maybe? So you aren't sure I'm like a friend. Tarja, please. I need you to remember what it was you wanted to tell me.."   
He needed it mostly for his own sake. If she said he was the man she wanted he'd kiss her right away.  
"I am sure you're like a friend to me," Tarja said softly. "And there's nothing I wanted to tell you besides the thing with my anxiety attacks. And self hate. And schizophrenia. Damn, how can Jarkko even like me?"  
"You're charming, beautiful, funny, interesting ... why wouldn't he like you? Your flaws don't make you unloveable, it makes you, well, you. Don't underestimate yourself, Tarja ..."  
Tarja went deep red. "You think?" she whispered. 'He thinks I'm beautiful ... He thinks I'm charming. Funny. Interesting ...' She smiled again. "Maybe you're right. He asked me for a second date after all."  
"Wow, that's wonderful. Hope you'll have fun and that you figure out your feelings," and now Tuomas was crushed again. She never meant him, of course she didn't. "When will the next date be?"  
"Next Friday," Tarja said. "This Friday, I mean! Gosh I'm so excited. And then I won't see you for a whole week, since I won't see you before next Thursday ... I hope I'll survive."  
"I'm sure you will, and if you really need to talk with me we can have a phone session. I'm always available in the evenings after 6pm."   
She had to call him sometime, he would be so sad if she didn't, and he would be worried as well. But he never dared to admit that.  
"I have your number saved in my phone," Tarja said quietly and smiled as she noticed the doctor's relieved look. "Well ... Change of subject now. You wanted to ask me something last time - remember?"  
"Yes, I wanted to ask you a little more of the recovery home. How were the other patients towards you? How did you feel within so many ill persons?"  
"It felt as if I was stuck in a circle. Wake up, eat breakfast, be social with other ill persons, get help, go back to sleep and repeat. Those places might help some but they didn't help me ... all I wanted was to escape, it was such a depressing place ..." Tarja told him.  
"And let me guess - all you ever wanted was someone to talk to. Because the nurses of course didn't talk to you and no one else did ... Am I right?"  
Tarja lowered her eyes. "You are. They didn't care about me, unless I was ill. There was one girl, Tiia, she succeeded starving herself." Tarja shook her head. "Not a single time did a nurse try to talk to her about her problems - they only told her what she was doing wrong."  
"Did someone report this? I'd say that that home shouldn't exist. I'm just so happy that you made it out alive..."  
"No ... But now that I think of it, maybe the nurses didn't give me up, after all they sent me to you ... They didn't do that with anyone else." 'Or they ... They sensed that we belong together ... No, that is impossible.'  
"I'm happy they sent you to me. I don't want to imagine what would've happened if they didn't," Tuomas looked at her and smiled. If they hadn't sent her here he wouldn't have met her. He would've have fallen in love with her.. His whole life changed when she came into his office.  
"Well ... This was a tumultuous session ..." Tarja smiled gently. "But it wasn't our last ... Right?" 'Please tell me I'm wrong ...'  
"Not our last. I don't know when the sessions will end, but from now on I want you to come here once a week and then we'll see," 'Hopefully the sessions will never end. I can't hold a patient that is healthy already, but I'm willing to break a few rules for her.'  
"Oh. Alright." Tarja was still kneading her hands. This session had been tumultuous indeed ... First that had had fun, then she had had a anxiety attack, he had forced her to tell him what she had wanted to say, then they had acted awkward around each other ...  
"Have you started my latest story already?" Tarja broke the silence. Why was he so quiet anyway?  
"Ah yes I have, I'm halfway through it and I'm loving it! The storyline is so addictive!"   
He was so glad she said something. The silence was so awkward.  
"Glad," Tarja smiled shyly. She would never admit it, but when she was with him, she got inspired for new stories, forbidden love stories, fantasy stories, ... Erotic stories. Tarja had never really written those but when she was with him, she felt good enough to write one. Maybe she'd try ...  
"Are you working on more stories? Other genres and all that? Because I'd love to read more. Your stories makes me so happy and I'm excited for more."  
"Seems like I have a fan," Tarja smiled. "Yes, I'm working on more. Depends on what we have to write at college, but my most current is - ehm - shouldn't we talk about my problems instead of my stories?" She grinned.  
"When you've finished the sentence you interrupted. What did you say you were currently writing. I know you won't believe me, but I'd like to know because of how healthy you are," Tuomas said and most of it was true too. "Before you wrote stuff with a lot of darkness, so what are you writing now?"  
"Love - stories." Tarja swallowed. "I'm currently writing a love story. Happy now?" Tuomas' face fell and Tarja felt bad immediately - he'd probably think again that she was thinking of Jarkko but she didn't!  
"Good, yes I'm happy now. Happy that you're not writing about depression anymore, happy that you're healthy and in love. You deserve that."  
Tarja was crushed - he looked so, so sad. If she could just tell him that she wanted him ... If she could be courageous enough. Because she knew she wasn't. "Do you ... would you want to read one of those as well?"  
"If you want me to, I'd love to ... do you think you can bring me one when you're done? I want to be the first one to read it," it would make him feel special for her, and he needed that feeling right now. He wanted to be her 'special someone'.  
"Sure - I will," Tarja smiled. Which one would she let him read? Untamed? Quickly she thought of her favourite line of it:  
I'm uneducated. (Don't talk if no one asks you to.) I'm unloved. (Never talk about your past.) Unnoticed. (Don't talk to anyone who doesn't want to hear it.) And I'm untamed - I always talked to him.  
Tarja looked up and right into his blue eyes. She wanted him like the main character of her book wanted the man. But this was different. Tarja couldn't even touch him ...  
"Perfect, I can't wait!" Tuomas looked back into Tarja's green eyes. He wanted to kiss her, he needed her ... but he couldn't even do anything more than hug her.  
A thousand new ideas came through Tarja's mind, and no matter what it was about - the male protagonist always had blue eyes and long, black hair. Now Tarja opened her mouth to let her heart speak, as the alarm went off. How mean!  
No, damn it! Tuomas didn't want it to end, like every session. And now it would be whole ten days until he'd see her again. Now he was regretting decreasing the sessions, but there was nothing he could do about it now.  
"I'll - I'll bring the love story with me next time," Tarja said and Tuomas nodded.  
"Have fun with Jarkko on Friday."  
Tarja smiled weakly. "I will ... We're just going to a bar."  
"Well then," Tuomas forced himself to smile. "See you next Thursday."  
Tarja smiled as well. "Yeah ..."


	9. Chapter 9

"Wow - you look amazing, Tarja!" Jarkko's voice was full of astonishment as he looked down at her and up again. Tarja blushed. She was wearing a dress again, this time she had been a little more daring and took one of her mother's dresses - unknown to her mother of course, who wasn't at home. It reached until a little above her knees, it was dark grey and very tight. It showed her curves perfectly. It had no deep cut out though, and it had long sleeves. She wore fitting grey ballerinas and a red scarf, which she had wrapped around her neck and hung down loosely, hiding most of her cleavage. Her hair was opened again and her lashes were deep black. That was everything and all in all she looked still natural.  
"Oh thank you," she blushed. "So where are you taking me this evening?"   
"To a bar," Jarkko said as they walked towards his car, that was parked in front of Tarja's house. "It's a quite nice bar by the harbour, I'm sure you'll like it." He smiled at her and she smiled back. They were both looking forward to this second date, one of them more than the other: Jarkko had a plan for how he could win her heart tonight. She was still the same as she had been so far, quiet, conservative and mysterious, but he knew how he could melt her heart - with a kiss. Those beautiful lips needed to get kissed, no doubt.  
He took her hand while they were driving and Tarja smiled gently. He was good. He really deserved a woman who loved him back, Tarja decided. Not her though.  
"And we're here," Jarkko said happily and parked the car. They got out and he immediately took Tarja's hand in his again. She thought it was too early for handholding, but she didn't want to be mean to him. As long as he doesn't go any further she was okay with it.  
Jarkko led her towards the bar and Tarja had to suppress a moan when she noticed that it was the most mainstream bar/club of Helsinki. Sure, it was nice, had a nice view and nice drinks - but horrible music.  
She faked a smile though and Jarkko and her fought themselves to a couch in the back, already sipping two drinks. Tarja had, as always, bought and carried it herself so no one could put something into her drink. She had even watched the barkeeper with an intense look.  
"So ... Tell me about you," Janne started and gently touched her upper arm, caressing it. Well, more or less he was caressing the fabric of her mother's dress.  
"What's to tell, you know me quite well already. I have only a few friends and I love literature of all kinds. I'm boring when I think of it," she chucked nervous. She wasn't ready to tell him she was broken, that she had been suicidal and was now unhappily in love with her therapist. The less he knew, the better.  
"No, there's more," Jarkko said gently and put a strand of her hair behind her ear. "You are two years older than me - what did you do before you started studying?"  
Tarja grew uncomfortable. He thought she had been doing something else ... Like an apprenticeship or something ...  
"Nothing, I was ill for a very long time."  
Jarkko looked at her apologetically. "What did you have?"  
"Nothing special, I had otitis that came and went all the time, so I had to be careful with stuff ... you know what I mean?"   
She had only had otitis once, when she had been eight. She hated lying to him but she couldn't tell him the truth either.  
"Sure, I know that. I bet you had to take antibiotics all the time," Jarkko said and Tarja nodded.  
"Exactly, yeah. Then I needed to repeat one year and yes. That's why I'm still here." She smiled. He was too good.  
"I feel bad for saying that I'm happy that happened. Because if not we wouldn't be here together today," Jarkko knew that what he said was cheesy, but hell, he didn't know how to be romantic in a smooth way.  
Tarja smiled. Yes, he was too cute. "And ... Tarja?" Jarkko came closer and Tarja leaned back automatically, which Jarkko didn't seem to notice. "It may sound even more stupid now but ... I've fallen in love with you at first sight."  
"Aww," Tarja mumbled. Internally she was panicking. It was only their second date!!  
She didn't know how to react, should she sit there and pretend to be comfortable or run away? She wanted to push him back and excuse herself to go to the toilet. She didn't. He was leaning in and Tarja didn't move, she couldn't move. She didn't want him to kiss her, it was too soon!  
"I love you," he whispered, before his lips landed on hers and two seconds before Tarja's hand landed on his chest, pushing him back.  
"I - I'm not that easy to get! Not for you." she breathed and turned quickly, flew out of the bar. She ran and ran, suddenly only having one wish where to go and whom to talk to.  
She ran away from the harbour. She knew exactly where she was going and about a five minutes run later she had arrived. She was breathing heavily and called him right away.

Tuomas had just started eating dinner as his phone rang - with a light shock he saw that the number was unknown and he feared the worst. He picked up. "Holopainen?"   
"Dr. Holopainen," a panicking voice on the other end panted. "It's Tarja! Please, I need to talk to you!"  
She couldn't hear what he replied. Her head was spinning, she couldn't understand a word he said. "I'm outside your practice. Please hurry!"  
Tuomas didn't think twice. His beautiful princess was in despair! He grabbed his jacket and left the house, leaving back his dog and the forgotten food. He drove as fast as he could and only ten minutes later he stood in front of his practice. He left the car and looked around. "Tarja?" Nothing. "Tarja ...?"

Tarja had walked to sit down in an alley next to the practice building.  
When she heard him scream her name she jumped up immediately. Her knight in shining armour was here. He stood with his back towards her and she didn't even care, she needed his bodily contact, it was the only way she could feel safe. She ran up to him and hugged him from behind.   
Tuomas jumped, but when he knew it was Tarja he relaxed.   
"Tarja ... why did you call? What was wrong?" he asked.  
He twirled around and took her in his strong arms. She was sobbing. "Shhh ..." he soothed her. "It's alright. I'm here. What happened?"  
But Tarja shook her head, she couldn't talk about it yet. "I'll drive you home," Tuomas promised. "Do you trust me enough to get into my car?"  
"I do," Tarja sobbed, "I - I do b-but no one's at home right n-now. I don't want to be a-alone."  
"When will someone be home? We could just drive around in the car if you want to. Or go to my place, your choice," Tuomas calmed her down. They were still embracing and he stoke over her back and whispered that she was save in his arms. Nothing would harm her when he was near. And she trusted him.  
"I don't know - Timo will come home at eleven ..."  
"In two hours?" Tuomas asked. "Shall I drive you somewhere else?"  
"Let's drive to your home ..." Tarja mumbled and Tuomas smiled. She really trusted him. She really did. And she wanted to see his home ...  
His heart started racing all of a sudden and he was afraid that Tarja, who was strangely calm in his arms, could feel it.

The car ride was quiet, Tarja was sobbing every now and then and Tuomas did his best to focus on the road and take care of her when he could.   
"Home sweet home," Tuomas said when he opened the front door and Alva came running towards them.  
"Hey, Alva!" Tuomas shouted. "You have to be careful, sweetheart, we have a guest ... say hello to Tarja. Tarja - that's my life companion."  
"She's so cute!" Tarja's eyes were shining. "Hello, Alva ... Hello sweetie ..." She stroke the dog's head and Alva woofed friendly. "Aww, she likes me!" Tarja said and looked up to Tuomas.  
"She does." 'Perfect' Tuomas thought, now if they moved in together she could live with Alva and him ...  
"Want to have a look around? I can make you something to drink in the meantime. Tea?"   
"Yes please, thank you," Tarja smiled and they parted. Tarja and Alva walked to the living room and Tuomas to the kitchen.  
"Or sit down! Feel like home!" Tuomas shouted from the kitchen and Tarja smiled. He had a beautiful house. Way too big for one man and a dog. A woman was missing, no doubt. There weren't photos or plants or anything ... But many CDs. Tarja's heart started racing - Metallica! Sonata Arctica! AC/DC! She took another record which sounded familiar and inhaled once again. Apocalyptica! Could this man get more perfect?!  
He did as she turned around and saw the piano.  
"Wow, Alva ..." Tarja mumbled and Alva woofed again.  
She sat down by the piano and stroke over the keys. This was an expensive piano, no doubt.   
She thought for a second, but she knew he wouldn't care. She began to play one of the few melodies she knew.  
Tuomas smiled gently as he heard her play the piano, and even more he smiled when he recognised Nothing Else Matters. It didn't sound good but he recognised it at least.  
Gently he prepared a mug of tea for her, his hands shivering when he carried it into the living room.  
Her backside was beautiful ...  
He placed he mug on the piano and she stopped playing immediately.  
"Oh I'm so sorry, I know I don't play good, but I was tempted. I practiced the piano before," Tarja explained.  
"You have talent," Tuomas said and sat down next to her, starting to play Nothing Else Matters ... But way more beautiful than Tarja and with so much passion, Tarja's heart melted. He closed his eyes as he gave everything into playing ... what she didn't know was, that he was only thinking about her.  
And when he stopped and turned to her, he caught her red eyes. "Like it?" he asked gently.  
"Loved it, that was beautiful," she smiled weakly at him. She had been crying when he played, it was one of her favourite songs. "Could ... could you teach me how to play one day?"  
"Sure," Tuomas said gently, then he took the tea from the piano. "Your tea, dear ... Do you want to sit down on the couch and talk?"  
Tarja nodded. Just in this moment she had decided that, if she couldn't tell him what she felt, she'd at least enjoy her time with him.  
They sat down on the couch, now they were much more closer than they would normally be. Alva had jumped up there as well and had cuddled up against Tarja.   
"So, could you start telling me why you called? And does Jarkko know where you are?"  
"He doesn't know because I ran away," Tarja said quietly. He was so close ... "I ran away from him. Doctor, he - he kissed me ..." Tarja stared at her hands.  
"And that was of course too soon for you," Tuomas stated, Tarja only nodded.   
"You didn't see that it was coming? He didn't show any signs that he wanted to kiss you?"  
"He - he leaned forward so I leaned back but he didn't get the hint and ... Oh God. I should have sensed it. He told me he had fallen in love with me at first sight ..." Tarja blushed.  
'It's hard not to fall in love at first sight with you,' Tuomas thought.   
"You did the right thing with backing away. But running away wasn't necessary, dear. I'm sure he is worried sick."  
That was the second time he had called her dear. Tarja looked at him shyly. "You know ... I was afraid that he'd ... he'd do something. I was so sure I could trust him and when he kissed me it was like a memory ... When they pushed me back, p-parted my legs ..." Tarja buried her face in her hands. "When the first guy just - entered me hard ... The other guy gagged me and held my hands so I couldn't defend myself while the other one ... It hurt so, so much and I was so afraid that Jarkko only wants to sleep with me. Why can't I trust men? ... Besides you ..." She sobbed madly and Tuomas was shocked. This was the first time she had really talked about the rape.  
Tuomas pulled her towards him and gave her a hug.   
"Please, Tarja. It's okay. You're safe now ... don't think about those bastards. But I think that, when you're ready, you should apologise to Jarkko and tell him you weren't ready for a kiss."  
"I should call him, right?" Tarja asked lowly and Tuomas nodded. She pulled away and they looked at each other.  
"You should tell him that you ran away because it was too early and that you will talk on Monday. Will you do that for me?"  
Tarja raised her brows helplessly. "Now?"  
"Now. I can imagine what he feels - not that I know the feeling but I can imagine." 'Stop talking, Holopainen, you're blabbing,' he told himself.  
"Okay, then I'll call him," Tarja picked up her phone from her bag and called Jarkko, who picked up immediately. Tarja put him on speaker so Tuomas could hear as well.   
"Tarja, oh my god! Are you okay? Where are you? I've been so worried!" Jarkko said, he sounded sad somehow.   
"Take it easy, Jarkko. I'm safe. I'm at a friend's house," she looked up at Tuomas and he nodded approvingly.  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I kissed you," Jarkko continued quietly and Tuomas clenched his fists. He could hear the younger man's voice through the phone and now he hoped Tarja would tell him ...  
"It's just -" Jarkko continued, "you were so beautiful as you sat there with me and I couldn't hold it back ... Forgive me, Tarja. I won't kiss you again ... Please, let's meet, I need to make it up again ..."  
"Not tonight  
, Jarkko," Tarja replied softly. "I'm with my friend now. See you on Monday."  
"Forgive me," Jarkko begged again but Tarja declined again. "Well, see on Monday ... I'm sorry, bye."  
She hung up before Jarkko had the chance to say anything else.   
"He seems to really like you," Tuomas said after a few seconds of silence.  
Tarja was breathing in and out. Her eyes were closed and she was gripping her phone.  
"He's - he's not the one I crave for," she said quielty.  
"I can understand that, if he was, you'd be delighted that he kissed you." He didn't dare to ask her whom she was craving for though. He was afraid the answer would be someone else than himself.  
"Yes. I - oh god. I'll never be ready for a man. I'm too - way too disturbed ..." She whispered, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "I hate myself ..."  
Tuomas dared again to hug her.  
"Shh ... Calm down, Tarja. Shh ..."  
Tarja smiled. She knew how to make him hug her.  
"You're not disturbed, not at all. You are a wonderful young woman..." 'And I love you, if you only knew how much I love you.'  
Tuomas stroke her hair as she sobbed into his chest.  
Tarja hoped he wouldn't find out that now she was only faking her sobs and was just inhaling his scent in real. He smelled really good. Like a man but not sweaty ... Her heart stopped beating for a moment when she saw how easy it would be for her to just sit up and kiss him ... But she continued fake sobbing quietly.  
"Tarja, drink some tea, it might help. And I can also show you around the house to get you on other thoughts, when you feel that you've finished crying of course..."  
He really didn't mind having her in his arms, it was all he wanted during their sessions anyways. Now the only thing he wanted was to kiss her, but he would never do that when she was this fragile.  
Tarja tore herself away from him and covered her eyes to hide that they weren't puffy and red as usual when she cried.  
She sipped her tea and closed her eyes when he started rubbing her back ... It felt so loving ... He really cared for her. He was the only one she craved for, the only one in this world ...  
"How are you feeling, any better?"   
Tuomas couldn't take his hand away from her. He loved this feeling. He hadn't been able to touch her like this before.  
"Way. Thank you, doctor ..." she mumbled. She felt so safe with him, she had never thought a man would make her feel safe. "And I'd ... I'd really wanna see the rest of your beautiful house." 'Which is way too big for a single man.'  
"Oh how fun, not many have been here, so this will be exciting. Well the living room you've seen. This is where I have my books, movies, CDs and my piano. Did you see any music or books you liked there?" He was hoping she'd say yes, it would be so good if they had the same music style. They would never fight over the stereo. Tuomas smiled for himself at the thought.  
"Actually ..." She looked at him. "Well, I played Nothing Else Matters, right? I tried to. I love Metallica and I'm addicted to Sonata Arctica ..." Tuomas' face lit up. "AC/DC is cool too and Apocalyptica is pure heaven. I'd say ... I'd say I found only good stuff. Many bands I've never heard of before, must be some harder stuff and I'm more into symphonic metal and rock but ... Mh ... Do you like Muse? Or Evanescence? Or Within Temptation?" She blushed as he beamed at her.  
"Oh yes! I love all three. I have a Muse CD somewhere in this house, no idea where though," he chuckled. She was just so perfect.  
Her heart started racing. There was one Muse song ... Starlight. How did it go?  
"Hold you in my arms ... I just wanted to hold you in my arms," Tarja sang with a shaky voice. It fitted so well right now.  
"Starlight, right? Love that song! It's so beautiful," and it made him think of her, the lyrics fitted so well.  
"Yes, I love it," Tarja smiled. "When I discovered you're a metalhead I was like wow - he's cool." Tarja blushed. She felt so much younger than him, almost like a baby ...  
"I'm cool, huh?" Tuomas laughed shortly. "Thanks I guess, you're also quite cool. I never thought of you as a metalhead when I first saw you. And I'm happily surprised right now."  
"Just be happy, we have another thing in common," Tarja said with a smile. "Now ... Want to show me your house? Or should I ask Alva for it ...?"  
"She only knows where the bed and food is," Tuomas chuckled once again. "We can start with the kitchen, if you will follow me."   
They walked a few steps and then they were in the relatively big kitchen. Way to big for a single man. Tarja wanted to live here with him, to fill up the space. The house was meant for a family, no doubt.  
"Beautiful," she whispered and stroke the kitchen counter.  
"Follow me," he said and led her into the big dining room.  
Tarja nodded and then they went upstairs. "Why do you have such a big house?" she couldn't help to ask after he had shown her the bathroom and two (!) guests rooms, which undoubtedly were meant to be bedrooms for children.  
"I don't know actually. I like having much space to walk around in. And Alva also needs it. But I have to say - it gets depressing sometimes, me and a dog and all these square meters. It's lonely but I can live with it." But not for long, since he had met Tarja it had been even more depressing, he sometimes imagined them both living here together. He sometimes called the air Tarja, asked her things and waited for an answer that never came.  
"Oh," Tarja just commented and they came to stand in front of another room.  
"Well ... This is my bedroom. Do you want to have a look inside or ...?"  
"Oh, it's pretty inappropriate for me to force you showing me your private space. You don't have to." Tarja replied politely.  
"I don't mind, my most private stuff is in drawers, just have a look," Tuomas opened the door and Tarja looked inside.  
Also Tuomas' bedroom was way too big. And so was his bed. It stood close to the big window at the balcony and was made for at least three persons. 'Mother, father, kid ...' Tarja thought while her heart was swelling. He wanted a family, it was so obvious! He couldn't only have a big house because he made big money. He didn't have an expensive car, there was no sign that he just didn't know what to do with his money. He wanted a family.  
She looked left, a big closet. Right, another regal with loads of books.  
"I don't have a television here," Tuomas said. "I think before going to bed you should either read or kiss your love good night." 'Or make love to your love.'  
"I think so too," Tarja said quietly. 'Or make love ...'  
Tuomas dared to place a hand on her arm and he stroke it gently. He was wishing that in a near future he would share that bed with her and kiss her goodnight.   
"Want to go out on the balcony to see the view? It's nothing special, but I like it."   
Tarja only nodded and then she followed him trough his room and out on the balcony.  
"Beautiful," Tarja exhaled as they got outside and Tarja recognised there was a park nearby, which was quite everything of the view. That, and other houses of course. But the park had a nice fountain in the middle and there were lamps everywhere that lit up most of the park.  
"Indeed," Tuomas said, his eyes never leaving her. But Tarja's look was wandering over the view, so she didn't notice his loving look.  
"Should we get back to the living room?" Tuomas said after a few minutes of not talking. "It's quite cold out here."   
Tarja nodded and they both walked inside.   
In the living room Alva had been waiting and walked up to Tarja immediately as she saw her.   
"Wow, Alva must really like you. She never does that to me," Tuomas laughed.  
"I'm wondering why she likes me," Tarja laughed and Tuomas smiled.  
"I don't."  
Tarja now turned to him and looked at him, her heart beating. It was so logic ... She could just kiss him ...  
Tuomas looked back. Her eyes showed so much understanding and knowing ... Did she know about his feelings? Why didn't she kiss him? She knew he couldn't do that!  
They stepped a little closer, like in slow motion Tuomas opened his arms, embraced her -  
As suddenly Tarja's phone rang.  
"Dammit," Tarja swore under her breath and picked up the phone.   
"Hello?" she answered. On the other end was her brother.   
"Where are you? I thought you would be home by now," he said calmly, he knew Tarja would be even more sad if he was angry with her.  
"I'm just at a friend's house, I will be back soon, I promise. You don't have to worry, I'm safe and okay."   
"Okay, good. Then I'll see you soon, half an hour tops!" He told her and then hung up.   
"My brother," she explained to Tuomas. "I have to be at home in half an hour, so we better ... Ehm ... Could you drive me home?" Tarja hadn't even asked yet but after all he had offered her already to drive her home. Suddenly she felt bad. She wanted to spend more time with him ...  
"Yes, of course. Just give me the address," Tarja told him where to go before they got their jackets and got out to the car. Tuomas felt so sad as he drove. He had to spend more time with her. That evening had been the best in a long time and now Tuomas was driving extra slow to enjoy the last minutes with her as good as possible.  
"Thanks for saving me," Tarja said after a while. "You're my hero."  
Tuomas chuckled. "Hey - no problem. I'm glad you feel better now." He hadn't forgotten how Tarja had cried before, still not knowing that she had only faked it.  
"I feel better thanks to you ... so I guess I'll see you next week," Tarja said as they pulled up in front of her house.   
"Yes, I'll see you then, bye for now, stay safe. And remember to apologise to Jarkko."  
Tarja didn't reply first, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. Tightly.  
"I will doc, bye," she then said after she had let go of him and got out of the car. And Tuomas didn't drive away until she was safe inside.  
"Hey," Timo said as he noticed that his sister was back. She let herself fall in front of the TV next to him and grinned.  
"How was it?" Timo asked and decreased the volume.  
"Well -" Tarja started giggling. "It was great. I'm in love ..."  
"That's great," Timo said. "Can't wait to meet him, Jarkko was it, right?"  
"Yeah ..."  
Tarja said and shrugged. She'd tell him when the time was there. But for now she let him be happy ...


	10. Chapter 10

Tuomas was as nervous as he had never been before in his life - he'd see his love for the last time inside this practice now. After four more sessions their relationship had grown better and better and (even if he wasn't happy with it) he considered her as his best friend now. And as she entered for their 15th session, his heart almost stopped. She was so, so beautiful.  
"Hello, hello!" Tarja was unusually happy as she walked in.  
"Hello, you're in a strangely good mood today? Why's that?" Tuomas asked as they both sat down.  
"Oh I just had a great day at college. My professor liked my latest story and read it in class and - that reminds me! You still have the love story!"  
"Oh, right," Tuomas said. "I don't have it here now, I'm afraid I'll have to give you a call once I'm done."  
"Or you could just give it to me once you're done ... in a session," Tarja said and Tuomas' face fell.  
"Tarja ... I have to tell you something. This will be our last session ..."  
Tarja prayed to everything that she had heard wrong. It couldn't be the last session. Sure she was happy most of the time, but it was only because of him! Without the sessions she would be broken again.   
"Oh ... okay, so, should we celebrate that I'm fine now?" she didn't even try to sound nor look happy. How would she?  
Tuomas' heart broke.  
She looked so, so sad. "We should celebrate," he said softly. "You should be so happy, Tarja. Only 15 sessions! Never has anyone made such a quick progress like you did."  
"Oh ... cool. We'll - we'll stay in contact, right?"  
"As I said," Tuomas replied. "I'll give you a call once I'm done with your story. And you promised me to call me when you need a taxi. Or when you just need someone to talk to."  
He didn't want to lose her. It would break him. He had never thought he'd ever love a patient.  
"So I have beaten some kind of record with 15 sessions. How cool ..." she repeated without a smile. Why did Tuomas look so happy, how could he? He should be sad right? Sure he lost a patient but he lost a friend too! Tarja got mad. He gave her such mixed signals.  
"That's cool indeed," Tuomas said and nodded. "Hey, don't be sad. We won't lose contact. I promise. You're my friend now, not only my patient ... I don't want to lose you."  
Now Tarja cracked a smile. "Me neither. You're like my only friend. We'll have to go out for lunch sometime," she suggested.  
"Lunch, yeah. Or cinema or just go out for a drink ..." Tuomas stopped as he noticed how much it sounded like he was asking her out on a date. So he quickly added, "Or you could just hang out with Alva and me, go for a walk and stuff." It didn't sound any better though.  
"Yes, I'd love that! Should we do something on your next free day?" The thought of what they could do made her all fussy and warm inside. Spending time with the man she loved was the only thing she really wanted to do.  
"I'll call you once I'm free. And you'll call me if you want to talk." Tuomas couldn't stop saying that they'd call each other. He needed to do something with her. He needed her. He craved for her.  
"Ok good, enough about that. What do you think about my love-story thus far?" Tarja changed the subject fake-happily. She was nervous. What if he knew that the male protagonist was based on him? There were only a few differences between them, the rest was all Tuomas.  
"It's really ... Wow. Tarja." Tuomas smiled lightly. "It's written as if you were in love again. I would have thought about Jarkko some weeks ago but since I know you don't like him that way ... I should say it again, it's beautiful to see you being in love. I must say, the guy is very lucky." He smiled to hide his pain.  
"If he only would love me back I would be lucky as well ... I am in love, that part you got right, but unhappily in love. Let's not talk about it, it just makes me sad," Tarja looked down at the floor to hide that she was holding in her tears.  
Oh.  
Tuomas' heart ached. "I'm sorry I didn't know that ... Yeah, let's not talk about it. I know how you feel." 'I feel the same. About you.'  
He knew how she felt. Oh poor Tuomi. But who was his love? Was it Tarja herself or his secretary? Or someone completely else? Tarja didn't want to guess, if the woman he loved wasn't her then she would be crushed.  
"Yes ... I mean I see her often enough but it's not the same. She doesn't know about my feelings." Tuomas said gently and Tarja's heart broke. He saw her often enough ... It had to be Loviisa. Tarja suddenly hated her with her whole passion.  
"But really, that's not what we should talk about," Tuomas then laughed.  
"You're right. It's my last session. Let's talk about what we have to," Tarja said and crossed her arms over her chest. He could tell she was pissed but he had no idea why.   
"So how are you feeling today?"   
The therapy talk began.  
"Lonely, crushed and depressed," Tarja replied and Tuomas smiled gently.  
"No, you're pissed."  
"And lonely," Tarja sulked. Tuomas smiled. What a stupid guy who didn't love her back ... He had done the right thing, he couldn't go on with their sessions.  
"Tell me why you're pissed," he said. "Maybe we'll find a solution."  
"Nope, we can't find a solution, because I can't change the situation. The man I love, loves someone else. I can't simply change his mind now, can I?" Tarja said with an angry tone. She hadn't been this crushed and annoyed in weeks, it felt good to let the rage out. "AND NOW YOU TOLD ME THE SESSIONS WILL END, MY ONLY CHANCE TO GET HEALTHY, MY ONLY CHANCE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM!" Tarja screamed.  
Tuomas didn't see how the sessions could help her getting close to her man, so he simply ignored the last. "That's good, let out your feelings," he said. She looked so - he couldn't change it - hot.  
Tarja was crying out of anger. There was nothing she could do. Tuomas didn't love her back. He didn't understand that she loved him. How could it all go so wrong? Why couldn't she just tell him that he was the man she wanted?  
"Oh Tarja ..." Tuomas whispered and gave her a tissue box.  
Tarja pushed the tissue box away and pulled him close - for a second Tuomas thought she'd kiss him but she only hugged him, crying into his shirt.  
Tarja hadn't thought for a second to kiss him, that would have been to embarrassing. She knew he didn't love her. But why did his embrace feel so gentle ...?  
Tuomas stroke his hand over her back as he had done that night when they were at is home and she had been crying. Her scent filled his nostrils, she smelled amazing! Like cononut and ... vanilla. He could sit like this all day, with his love in his arms.  
"Sh, Tarja. Look - look at it like this: it's quite a normal problem, right? You're crying because of love. I'd say that's a very normal problem, many people cry because of their love life. Be happy ..." He smiled as Tarja laughed a little.  
"You're right ..." She looked up to him and their eyes met.  
"But how? How can I be happy when the man I love doesn't love me back ... and I'll never find someone else, it's only him that I want," 'Please understand that it's you!'  
Tuomas said nothing. He was too stunned - it had all started without hope. She had gotten raped and bullied, had almost died several times and now she was here ... Crying because she was "only" unhappily in love. He had to smile a bit.  
"That man must be stupid if he doesn't love you," he said. "But what if he simply doesn't know about your feelings?"  
"He doesn't know ... but there is no idea telling him now, it's already too late. But if I told him, do you think he would change his mind? Or will I embarrass myself?"  
'Too late?' Tuomas thought. 'Why is it too late?' "I can't tell you, Tarja, I'm sorry. I'm not good with feelings, my speciality is the mind." He stroke her head absent mindedly. It felt so good ...  
"I appreciate that you're here to listen. It helps a lot. Even if you can't do anything about this, you're helping more than you think," Tarja looked down at her hands. If he only knew that he was also the person that made her so miserable.  
"I try to," Tuomas chuckled and patted her shoulder. Now if he thought about it - she had never mentioned any other man besides Jarkko. And she had backed off as soon as Jarkko had dared to touch her, while he was holding her ... Maybe ...  
"I know you don't like the end of our sessions," Tuomas continued. "But it will work out well for you. I trust you that you won't hurt yourself again, and I can see that you're much happier than when you first came here. This love thing might have made things more complicated. However, I know you can make it through."  
"And if not ... if not, I'll call you," Tarja said quietly and Tuomas nodded.  
"Call my every time you need me. You're my friend and if you have a problem - just think of me as a friend who wants to help you. No doctor. Okay?"  
"Okay ... Tuomas ...?" Tarja smiled at him. Calling him by his real name made it feel much more natural already.  
"Great, I already wanted to ask you to call me by my first name," Tuomas chuckled. "Now later when you'll walk out of the door, you will no longer be my patient but my friend. Alright?"  
"Alright, sounds perfect for me," Tarja had now stopped crying. Maybe she had a chance with him after all. They wouldn't be patient and therapist anymore. They would be friends. And friends could always lead to more if you tried hard enough.  
"See?" he said gently and looked down at her. He was still holding her, rocking her in his arms. She didn't push him away.  
He didn't let her go, and Tarja loved that. She wanted to spend the rest of the session in his arms, where she felt the safest.  
He kept holding her for the rest of the session and as the alarm went off, both felt a sudden emptiness lurching into their hearts.  
Never had Tarja thought she'd be unhappily in love when she had entered his practice.  
The last session was over, they would never see each other in his office again. It was going to feel weird.   
"Well then Tarja, the alarm went of for the last time for us. Next time we'll meet it will be somewhere else," Tuomas said and released her from his embrace, which neither of them wanted.  
He didn't let go of her, Tarja noticed. She didn't mind though ...  
"Yes ... Can't wait ... What about Saturday in a week?"  
"Gladly," Tuomas said gently. "Wanna join Alva and me for a walk?"  
"Yes, I'd love to meet her again. She's the nicest dog I've met," Tarja smiled at him. It felt as if he only added to the conversation to make it longer and therefore make her stay longer. He must have really liked her, right?  
Tuomas couldn't resist. He put his finger on her cheek and caressed it gently. Her skin was so soft ... And now she was blushing ...   
Tuomas smiled and Tarja smiled back. Could he dare to -  
*Knock knock*  
"Dr Holopainen? Your next patient would be here!"  
"Ah yes, thank you Loviisa, I'll come get him in a moment," Tuomas said. Loviisa only nodded and walked out.   
"Guess I'll have to go then ..." Tarja said sadly. "But I'll see you on Saturday in a week."  
She pulled away from him, leaving his arms empty. A strange feeling. "Yes. Until Saturday. Shall I pick you up?" he offered and Tarja quickly thought about it.  
"Let's meet somewhere," she said. If her mother saw them ... This was too early. "There's a park close to my house, let's meet there? When?"  
Tuomas smiled. "I'll be there at eight."  
"In the morning?!" Tarja gasped and Tuomas chuckled.  
"Yes, in the morning. Or we can make it evening if you want? You know a dog has to go for morning walks. Which also are my personal favourite walks," Tuomas smiled.  
"Oh okay ... I guess we could ehm ... breakfast together?" Tarja blushed lightly and Tuomas nodded.  
"Good idea. So let's meet there and then let's go into a café."  
"Yes -"  
"Tuomas?"  
"Dammit, Loviisa," Tuomas mumbled and finally Tarja pulled away.  
"Until soon," she said gently.  
Tuomas watched her walk out and sighed. He was going to miss her, that was for sure.   
Meanwhile in the waiting room as Tarja walked past Loviisa's working desk she gave Tarja a strange look. For Tarja it felt like a look of hatred. Was it her that Tuomas loved? But how, she was nothing special.   
Tarja gave her a hateful look back, they would never see each other again anyways.   
She walked out of the practice with her head held high, she was so proud and content. She'd see her love soon again, but as friends.


End file.
